The Secret.

THE BEGINNING.

I can't tell when things started to change, how it took an alarming steer round a dangerous route. I cannot even explain how it happened or how it got to this awkward understatement.All I know,is that it did happen and I let it overpower me.

I know, I'm perfectly human and somethings you can't control. Inadvertently, I described it.
Yes.Accidentally , it did come through. I loved it but now I hate it. It tasted like strawberries, the forbidden kind and the taste lingered before I realized it was unethical.The odious obsession over throwing my cerebral sentiments, threatening to cast the shadow of truth upon me. I was not ready though I saw it coming.
I saw her coming.

The closer she got me, the better the feeling but the worse the inevitable consequence.She'll be gone soon once the secret comes pushing out.But I can't let her slip away from my company like a slimy eel in the ocean.
And I can't picture a life without her by my side - by my company.
I tend to do things, to remind myself how it felt to do them with her.It's nostalgic and it gets back to me.
That feeling that never fades. It lasts a moment and then gets me guilty. I shan't judge a book by its cover. I let the words judge me. It's a perfect authentic desire, I cannot give it up.
I shall not give up.

It's mesmerizing how a rose flower manipulates and hypnotises the brain with its beauty. It's the same with her. I am a slave to her. She controls me.
I sermon the courage and close my eyes. There she is, wearing the same dress as she wore during the Phantom concert. Nobody likes a show off but it's a different saying with her.
A velvet, sleeveless dress, cherry in color, pearls around her neck, diamonds on her ears... she's gorgeous.
I don't tell her though. I just shrug it off when she compliments herself. Deep down, I know I want to acknowledge her spectacular aura.To me, it'd be weird to dress up like her, you know, dress and all.So I choose a casual wear- my jeans and hoodie.That way I get to be teased. By her,of course.
That memory sinks in me from my past recollections and I smile to myself. I keep reminding her that I'm not the jealous type."it's one of my gorgeous attributes," I inform her and she smirks.

I just gulp down the sick insanity inside me and look away from her vivacious eyes; eyes that reflect my guilty face.Golden brown eyes. Some say it's luminous brown. Either way, I face away from them.
Sometimes when I seat beside her, I can't help but wonder if she knows the dark secret I've hidden from her ever since she came back from Brazil, the secret I've solely concealed from her for the past four years.
It's an insult to me and sometimes it assaults me in a predatory kind of way. I just can't help but scowl myself for it.

It's not right,, Alex, I tell myself. It's never been right,right?

"It'll go away," I remind myself.
But the only way to make it go away is by taking this sessions with my therapist, my phychologist everyday ,2:30 pm.
It's been my first session today actually, so when she asks me to step into her solemn office, I don't hesitate. I take a deep breath and sit.

"My name is Alex Brown," I begin." I've got a problem. It's been four years when this began to happen."

So I narrate to her about my secret.
She takes notes, occasionally trying to make a domineering eye contact but I don't fidget or shift nervously in my seat.

"Okay,"  she says. "Now, I want to hear how it all started all over again in details, that way, I can help you , Alex."

I nod and begin all the way from page one : Ari and I's first meeting encounter.