It's so easy to feel alone even when surrounded by people. Once your mind has served as your safe space, it likes to play tricks. You tell yourself it's okay to be quiet for a moment. It's easy to justify because you have been doing so good lately. The mask that you want people to see is firmly in place. It's okay to be quiet just for a moment, then thoughts and memories start floating through. Soon you start to focus on them, you think perhaps your mind is giving you a break. The memories and thoughts don't seem bad at first, in fact it's actually peaceful in here. The outside world has started fading away. All too soon these thoughts and memories become clearer and you can feel the emotions that surrounded these events. Now your mind is paying attention, you've come back and it doesn't know why you left in the first place. You start to question if you could have done that one thing differently a few weeks ago. Your mind complies to your unconscious intent, suddenly the doubts you pushed away so easily this past week start trickling back. You wonder if things would have played out differently had you decided something different. Now you are no longer paying attention to your external surroundings.
Like an old friend your mind welcomes you back with a full spread of your doubts, fears, questions, and memories. This doesn't make sense now that the thought of intentions has crossed your mind. You mind already knows what you are going to do next. Now it's time for it to unlock all the questions you have about the people you let into your life, if you can trust them or not. You start to become anxious but wait a moment someone wants your attention. You stop thinking for a moment, the walls have slid back up. You smile at this person and you hear them ask if you are okay. You tell them yes, because your mind has already reminded you that yes is the only acceptable answer. However, this person knows you better than to trust your first answer, they ask again. You tell them yes again, perhaps a little slower. They can see the signs, they ask you to come be with them. You don't want to deal with people. You just want to be alone and quiet. You assure them that you are fine, that you are maybe just a little tired. Your mind all the while whispering that they don't care and they never have. They look closely at you, trying to assure themselves that you are telling the truth. They know you don't like to be pushed so they accept your response and continue on with there evening. Your mind pounces and uses this as the opportunity it needs to bring you back to the safe place you created. Only, it's not safe anymore. It has become your prison and you are trapped alone again. The cycle resuming as if it never ended. Your facade stronger now, you tell yourself it's okay to be quiet because sometimes it is.
YOU ARE READING
Random Thoughts
Random*Trigger Warning* This will be a collection of thoughts/poetry. It will not be pretty and happy all of the time. It will be real and have raw emotions.
