For My Love

Prologue

When I think of youand how you make me feel I can't help but feel the need to write it down. Allthe great love stories in the world have something to remember them, poems,ballads, letters, etc. And I'm certain that ours is a great love story and sowe deserve to have ours written too. In some ways I think ours is even betterthan those other stories because we've ended up together, so few people get tosay that. I can't even begin to imagine what a miracle it is that the person Ilove and care for more than anything else in this world loves me back just thesame, how many people can actually say that? I can't think of any relationshipthat really compares to ours.

            I'm sitting here on this ship, doinga job that I objectively love but that a part of me hates, because it means Iam away from you. I keep questioning myself and my choices. Is it right to staywith a career that keeps us apart for so long? Would it be wrong for me to giveup on my professional dreams just to be with you more? You love me so much thatyou would never ask me to give up anything for you but sometimes I wish youwould, sometimes I wish you would make this impossible choice for me because ifyou asked me to stay home and stop sailing I could never say no to you. I knowyou won't though, it's part of what makes you so wonderful. I wonder how I'llfeel when we're old and I look back at this part of my life. Will I regretchoosing to spend any amount of time away from you? Or will I relish theadventures I choose to go on alone. I honestly don't know and there's nowhere Iknow of to look for reference. So few women have been in the position that I'min, it's usually the man who goes off and leaves his doting wife at home, evennow in our time there's no stories about what I'm doing from a femaleperspective. And I can't see myself identifying with the stories of the guyswho go off, I think in 99% of them they end up cheating in some way or otherand then still go home and act like the woman they left is the true love oftheir life, it's utter horseshit. I love you so so much I could never imaginebeing with another man. Regardless of the fact that I can't see myselfmustering up any sort of attraction or desire for anyone besides you, when Ithink of the kind of hurt and pain I would cause you by betraying you like thatit just breaks my heart, intellectually I know that with my situation I couldprobably do it if I wanted to and you'd never find out, but how could I? Howcould anyone do that to someone they love? I honestly would rather die thanbetray your love like that.

            I've never felt this way aboutanyone before and I never thought I would. When we first met I never thought Iwould fall for you and never in my wildest dreams did I think you would love meback. I remember that day at the bar when I first saw you, I thought you werethe hottest guy id ever seen in person and then the next day when I went backand you were there again I couldn't believe I had the nerve to talk to you, butI did. And still then I never thought it would go anywhere serious. I thoughtmaybe we'd spend the night together and then after that whenever we'd see eachother in the hallway or just around town we'd nod and smile politely but neverreally speak again. If I'm honest you didn't look like the long termrelationship type of guy that night, you really did look like the typicalplayboy jerk that only went for one night stands. It's stupid of me to admitthat that was part of the reason I was initially so attracted to you, but youhave to understand that throughout my life no guy like that had ever hit on meat a bar or tried to pick me up in anyway and I desperately wanted that. Idesperately wanted the validation that I was attractive enough for someone towant to just sleep with me. Now I find it funny that I ever thought you werethat guy when you're the furthest thing from it. The irony of the situationdoesn't escape me, it makes me think that fate is real, how else could thishave possibly happened? How else could I have gone into a bar one night lookingfor someone for all the wrong reasons and making the absolute worst choices andcome out meeting the love of my life? There has to be some kind of higher powerinvolved there.

At some point that night even the idea of us going home together thatevening seemed like a long shot, Abby and her friend told me that the two ofyou were on a date and that you were a total scumbag for ignoring her the wholenight to flirt with me. And you were too polite to tell her you weren'tinterested, I know you didn't even think it was a date but I didn't know thatat the time. So during one of those moments during the evening that youperiodically left to me to talk to her and her friends and I noticed that Marcoand a few other guys from home that I knew had showed up I went to go talk tothem. What I did remains in my mind the worst choice I've ever made, but I withthe limited knowledge that I had I can't blame myself for making it. How was Isupposed to know that we would fall madly in love? How was I supposed to knowthat you would ever be anything more to me than a guy I had met in a bar?

I feel at this time I should take it back to the moment that we firsthung out in the evening. In my mind as I write this I picture people readingabout our love story and being moved and inspired the way I was when I readother peoples' stories. I actually don't ever picture you reading this, whichmakes me feel sort of selfish and cheap but then again what would be the point?Everything I've already written and everything I'm going to write you alreadyknow, we have no secrets, and as much as I'm writing our story for you I'm alsowriting it for the world. I want people to know that it's possible to meetsomeone who's everything you've dreamed of and more. I want our future childrento know how great their parents love is. And I want our generation and futuregenerations to stop all the sleeping around and cheapening of love because thereason they're doing it is that it seems like it doesn't exist. I know becauseI didn't think it existed either. We live in this world of people who've beenraised to believe that true connections aren't possible, that relationships aremeaningless and pointless because they never work and true love is a fairy taletaught to us by parents who later divorce or suffer through a loveless marriagein silence. But it's not a myth, you showed me that it's real. Not only thatbut you showed me what true happiness really is and that's something thateveryone deserves to know. There's a line I read somewhere once but I can'tremember what it's from "I would suffer through a world full of demons for thesake of an angel." Before I met you I yearned for that feeling, to have someoneyou love so much that you would go through anything just to be around them, nowI don't have to wonder what that feels like anymore. But I think of everyoneelse, living in their worlds of demons, maybe thinking that angels don't evenexist and I want them to know that they do. So I'm going to start from thebeginning and hopefully tell the world a story about how true love and happilyever after still does exist, even for those of us who don't believe in it andwho do everything one might imagine to mess it up.