What about my heart?

The struggle is real.

I can't believe I'm doing this... I mean I just got back from rehab for self harm. I went to the facilitation that was supposed to make me happy; with myself, with life, and with living. I pretended like it worked but it's still a daily struggle. Happiness is an action, not a feeling, at least for people like me. I attend therapy sessions every Tuesday and Saturday for one hour. I guess it helps, I mean, I don't want to break down and cry constantly anymore. You see how I am, right?

9 months ago something happened and I was sent to rehab. Now I'm back and my best friend- Sky - expects me to be ready to go out, like in public. I'd see everyone I know! Totally humiliating. No one knows what happened that day, not even Sky, but she stuck around anyways. Thats why she's my best friend.

I was deep in my thought as I heard Sky yell,"Emmalynn? Are you ready yet?" Sky asked teasingly. She always used my full name to get my attention. But today she was just happy I was out of bed and getting ready, fixing myself up.

"Skyler, be patient. I want to look my very best when I go out for the first time." I say also using her full name. ( P.S She goes by Sky, and I go by Emma.) "Hey, will you do my hair?" I smile. Before the incident she'd always did my hair, so I figured, why not keep the tradition?

"Yeah, I have total freedom right?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. How could I say no? My hair is down to the small of my back and brunette. Sky ended up fishtailing it down the left side of my head and she curled my bangs to frame my face perfectly.

"Emma, you look hot." She said, admiring her work.

"All thanks to you!" I responded with gratitude, not fully believing her statement. Before all of my rehab stay-ins and therapy sessions I caked on the makeup, for confidence I suppose. Now I'm either lazy or don't think its worth the hassle. "I'll touch up my face, put on some eyeliner, slap on some mascara then top it off with some chapstick. Then we go, k?" I said, rushing myself, pulling items from my makeup desk.

"Good. No offense, but you look more like yourself without the cakeface." Sky added, she was never afraid to share her opinion, and always did it the nicest way. I liked that about her. For the outing to the skating rink I was wearing my dark stressed skinny jeans, sleeveless marvel T-shirt and red converse. Also some string bracelets around my wrist. It was early September, so it wasn't hot or cold, so I didn't expect to be freezing anytime soon.

"Okay, let's go," I said as we climbed down the stairs. I grabbed my keys and told my parents goodbye. You could see in there eyes they were happy I was getting out of the house. We jumped into my red jeep. "I love my car!" I squealed. I got this as a get-out-of-jail-called-rehab celebration present.

The drive was short. Surprisingly we were the only people here, but when we walked in there was a group of guys standing there so they must be open. The guys from a distance were actuallly really cute. Woah, guys. I hadn't talked to one in forever. I've never been asked out, no "hanging out," no kissing, not even a lousy hand hold. I'm lame. I was a little nervous, but I don't really talk to guys, and they don't really talk to me so I didn't worry. We were just a few steps in when some lady came up from behind us.

"Excuse me, this hour is only for the group of people to the right, so if you'd exit this way, please," she said, gesturing to the door.

"Umm...did they rent this place out?" Sky asked sheerly out of disappointment as I stood there with my hands in my back pockets.

"Yes, they're here for a birthday celebration, go on out, they can't be bothered." The lady pushed us in the doors' direction.

"But-" Sky retorted. Before she could say anything more I grabbed her wrist and led her out. Although I was disappointed I got over the disappointment like all the others. Believe me I've had plenty more. We were halfway to the car when we heard something behind us.

"Hey, wait!" shouted the guys. We stopped in our tracks and turned to face them. I forced a smile.

"We're sorry for the way that lady treated you," A brunette ran up to us. He was tall and muscular. "We are always doing stuff with only ourselves. We could use some company?" He offered, smiling.

I looked at Sky. Her mouth was wide open. "Hey, what's wrong?!?" I giggled at the sight, nudging her with my elbow.

"Th-thats... thats" She stuttered speechlessly, then weakly pointed at the guys face in front of me. The guy was the only one to approach us out of the group. I thought that was nice of him.

"That's A CUTE GUY!" She said teasing me. " AND YOUR ACTUALLY GOING TO SPEAK?!"

"Ok, I'm sorry she's just really stupid" I said emphasizing the word 'stupid'. Sky wants to play? Lets.

He giggles at our playful humor. "Okay well, wanna stay? It'll be fun! " he smiled. How could I say no?! He's gorgeous. Before I could answer Sky yelled, "Yes, we'd love to!" but He looked at me for approval. I smiled and nodded my head.

"So," Sky said, "I'm Skyler, I go by Sky." she introduced herself then gestured to me.

"I'm Emmalynn," I said, since there really wasn't much more to it.

"That's pretty. I've never heard it before," He said smiling. He was real. He seemed to actually care unlike the majority of people I know.

"Thanks, but I go by Emma, " I confessed.

"Emma," he said smiling. Why did that just make me nervous? We started to walk back. What did I get myself into?

"Oh uh," He paused, "I'm Joshua, but I go by Josh." He said slightly teasing Sky and I's shortened names we title ourselves by.

Being the stupid person I am, I asked as we were halfway there, "One question... why do you really want us to skate with you? I mean other people must have showed up and had to leave...right?" I realized as I said the last word it was a stupid question. My cheeks blushed pink.

He smiled, noticing. "Well the perks to being beautiful I guess," he said, smiling and looking bashfully away, rubbing his neck. That compliment was one that sent butterfly's by the millions into my stomach. Oh, I forgot about Sky... I'm a horrible friend. She saw me panic.

"Don't worry Emma, I'm right here," she teased, the other guys following her. They eventually followed Josh's action and met us in the parking lot

"Hey, is that your car?" Josh asked, but he already knew the answer. We were the only other people there.

"Yeah, it was a present," I smile proudly, trying to stay away from the topic of rehab.

"For your birthday?" he asked curiously. What could I say. I looked down and my face reddened. I wasn't ready to handle this yet. Sky shot him a look that could shred his body it was so intense. He got the hint and dropped it politely. He opened the door like a gentleman and we walked in. "Well, I love it. It's an awesome car," he complimented, brightening the mood significantly.

"Thanks," I smiled happily, "it's been my dream car since I was like 16."

"So how old are you now? No offense," he wondered, hoping I was an adult.

"I'm 18. My birthday is in February," I stated then added, "you?" I turned my head to look at him.

"Oh, I'm 19," he said, proud to be a year older. We talked about our futures. Turns out we both waited this year before going to college. Eventually we had to put on our skates. I don't know why he was talking to me so much. I mean he wasn't even flirting-well... I'm not really a good judge for that because I've never experienced it, the reason being that I'm a hopeless catwoman. Sky and the other guys were too busy skating already. Sky was talking to Shawn. I think that was his name. I guess they both like to sing, and they look good together. Definitely a plus.

The local skating rink was one I'd known since I was born, but I guess for Josh and the guys it was a different story. A wayyy different story

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Thankyou all who have taken there freaking important time to read my crappy first chapter. My mind is overwhelmed by the people who are willing to read this, the real gold in my efforts. I attempted to incorporate real life feelings as well as keeping the cheesy-ness to a minimum. I will add my secound chapter once I hit twenty reads, so spread the word!

Editor: Callielynn