Keeping Apart

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Banging on the door snapped him back to reality. He snapped his head to the source of the disruption. It was almost a minute of reassociating before Carson half-heartedly said, "Leave me alone." He could hear a sigh from the other side of the door. It was too muffled to hear if it was Cooper or Travis. Not that he cared who it was, the man was more worried about them disrupting his plan.

Even after a few minutes of intense listening, neither person left their spot. Carson refused to speak face-to-face with anyone. If he did, he would ruin the progress he has made. Meaning he would be even more disappointed with himself and the feeling of hopelessness would come back tenfold. "Carson, you have to come out sometime," Cooper's exasperated voice came from outside.

His roommate wasn't exactly wrong; he had to leave his room every once in a while for food, drink, and to use the restroom. But he did all of those things while everyone else slept or was recording or out with other people. Carson couldn't risk the chance of being confronted by either of his friends. The shadow of Cooper standing on the other side of the door remained, he didn't believe in leaving someone in this state alone like Travis.

Deciding he could say a few words and not destroy everything he was working for, the taller boy groaned, "No." "Aren't you hungry?" "No." "Thirsty?" "No." "Gotta take a piss?" "No." "Shit?" "No."

An exhausted sigh escaped Cooper's lips at his friend's monotonous response. "C'mon, I just order some food for all of us. You don't have to talk with us, just get some food. I don't need you starving to death up here," a dry chuckle came from him. Carson didn't move. He just kept staring at his blank monitor. "Did we do something to you?" He could hear the anger Cooper had been repressing finally escape into his words. Carson couldn't blame him for it, though. "Because if we did, just tell us. You know we won't be angry if you do, man."

Involuntarily, a small laugh came from Carson. "You won't be mad? Are you saying you're 100 percent calm right now?" he pointed out the flaw in his buddy's speech. Another sigh from Cooper, another small victory for Carson's plan. "You know what I mean, Carson." With lack of a response, the long-haired boy turned and put his back to the door.

While attempting to put his feelings into words, he slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor. Carson stayed sitting in his chair, no matter how much it hurt every muscle in his back and ass. Cooper sighed before saying, "I'm saying, everyone's just confused on why you stopped talking to everyone. Like, I would get it if you don't wanna talk with me and Travis, I mean, you have to live with our dumbasses. But why everyone else? You just stopped speaking to everybody. It's kinda like you dropped off the face of the earth, and it's freaking everyone out."

"I'm just so sorry if I sound a little pissed off because I am. You know that if you have anything bothering you, you can talk with literally anyone of us, right? You don't have to fucking hole up in your room and ignore us. Because with this shit you're doing, it's hurting everyone. I just hope you know that, Carson." He finished, voice hoarse with emotion. Carson heard small sniffles come from him through the door.

He knew he would hurt people during this, that was the whole point. What other way was there? If he didn't do this, everyone would mourn when he finally rid himself of these dark thoughts. He definitely didn't want anyone to grieve over his worthless life. No one should over his pathetic existence. Carson tried to rationalize and reassure himself that it was for the best. Never had he doubted his plan until now. Hearing one of his best friends on the verge of tears, it made everything ten times harder.

But he stood his ground. Cooper didn't understand that he's been like this for years. Thought about ending it all every second of every day. He would finally get some sleep and be numb. Carson stayed silent.

"Please..."

The word, soaked with pain, came out of Cooper. It sounded so raw, so full of emotion. Carson felt himself go to stand up.

"Just come out here."

Cool metal of the doorknob met his warm palm. Everything in his mind screamed at him not to open it but he ignored them. Cooper almost fell completely backwards at the suddenness of the door opening. As his roommate shot up, Carson took in his disheveled appearance.

His dirty blond hair, usually a little messy, now matted to the scalp. Dark bags under his brown eyes were more visible than they ever were. "Hey, man," his voice cracked. Carson put on a small smile for him, "Hey. I heard you got some food?" he tried to joke. It worked seeing as Cooper let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, downstairs, c'mon." The shorter boy began to descend the steps towards the first floor. Carson slowly followed. He was glad to be out, but he knew it wouldn't last. He would try this ludicrous idea again, no doubt about it. But he wanted to enjoy his short time away from the voices that would control his mind and hurt those who cared.