The Trial

Chapter 5 - Edited

A light mist begins to swirl around and everything freezes as it thickens. There's no sensation of stopping and no sense I'd ever been moving at all. It's as if someone or something paused my life. This is too familiar a scene and I fear I'm going to return to the orphanage to relive those same moments forever.

If this is to be my jail, then I demand to see my jailer. I refuse to participate in this farce any longer. Take your tricks and leave me be. I was promised darkness and won't be denied.

The mist thickens and obscures my vision, but I have no other sense it's there. There's no taste, no scent, no sound, no sensation of temperature change. I can't feel anything and wonder if death is finally coming to take me from this wretched lifeless life.

The mist starts to clear after and eternity that could've lasted seconds or years and I'm still sitting on something hard, but it's not in the back of the car, or any car at all, and find myself to be considerably taller than I was an eternal moment ago. My senses are returning, but they aren't really my senses.

I find myself surrounded by state associates and state educators are waiting for the noise to die down. My senses are overwhelmed by everything being turned on at once and cry out with a voice I no longer possess. The yell is one of frustration with a touch of madness.

Overhead are the large banners in red with the black letters and I still fear them, but not because I believe they're going to eat me; such fantasies only crop up in my nightmares. The State Is Watching. Those words chill my bones even more than when I thought monsters hid within. Those days of believing the red is from the blood of those that have been eaten is no longer a part of my reality and there are real monsters in this world.

My younger self knows there are greater dangers lurking in the shadows and is just starting to wonder if those who have disappeared will ever be seen again. Just like the orphanage, some go missing and everyone acts as if they were never there at all. I never pressed for details in regards to a single one, since I knew better to pretend it wasn't happening than find out the truth for myself.

My eyes move down the white walls to see the black floor and it always makes me want to laugh. It's as if we all walk on the state, but no one seems to notice. I won't say anything about it, since even that can cause me to disappear forever. The dangers in this place are every bit as real as the orphanage, but this time I know the threats are who instead of what.

There must have been some mistake made long ago, but no one ever corrected. The state never intended for the black to be laid on the floor, since they never wanted anyone to think they could get away with waling on the state, which included those within the state. I always thought the intent was for the ceilings to be black to remind everyone the state is above us all. Among the many problems with the state is the inability to admit when something goes wrong, since the state's never wrong. Rather than repaint one building, they chose repaint all the others.

In some ways, I'm quite happy to not have to relive every event in my life, but in other ways it makes me want to scream out my frustration. There won't be any repeat of the unpleasantness of the orphanage and having to taste that gruel all over again. I still have this muted voice and no control over a single action. All I do is what I've already done and this is far worse than death.