Wide Awake {OS BTS NAMJIN} (Eng vers.)

Wide Awake

The only thing I saw when I opened my eyes were the walls of the room. Everyday, I woke up to this image. Everything was white, the sunlight emanating only from the single window. It was bright and yet, nothing was darker than were I was. Straightening myself, I put my feet onto the cold tiles. All this white blinded me and darkened even more my vision. I hate white. It emanates too much purity, this semblance of hope that is only untruthful. I heard suddenly a knock at the door and, without waiting any response, a woman entered. She was smiling, her notebook in her hand and, to top it all, she was dressed all in white.

"Good morning Mister Kim, how are you feeling today ?"

I didn't answer her, her voice passing through my ears without reaching my brain. My gaze was fixing only what she was holding in her hands, a box containing those awful stuff that I had to swallow. Having received no response, she approached handing them to me, always sporting this horrible brighting smile. She made me swallow them and noted something on her notebook.

"The doctor will come to see you during this day"

Then, always smiling, she exited the room with a new white shine, leaving me planted here. I turned my gaze to the window, something I did all day. Winter was here, the snow accentuate this overflow of white unbearable. It was cold for a beautiful day, but children were still outside, throwing snowballs with laugh bursts, like everything was full of hope and happiness. A bird passed in front of the window in a wing flapping and I turned around to the door, having suddenly felt his presence.

He was at the doorstep, wearing his everyday clothes, like the last time I saw him. His bleached hair made his face even attracting every day and his eyes always reflected this intensity that I loved more than anything. His smile was the only one that I could handle those days, the only thing that allows me to see this clarity through the tunnel.

"Hi Jinnie !"

His smile showed his dimples and his deep voice penetrated me to the very depth of my spine. He approached and sat beside me, putting his hand on mine. His touch was light, like it comes from somewhere else, almost unreal.

"How are you today ?

- If only you knew..."

My voice was weak, tired for not talking since so long. There's only him who has the privilege to hear my voice.

"I know well, I'm always here, don't you remember ?"

Yes, it's true that he is always present. His voice, his eyes, his smile were always here, even when I can't see it with my own eyes. It was like a ghost that was haunting my mind and that was now a full part of my world. I felt his fingers tightens around mine and an unusual heat crossed my body.

"Do not listen to them Jin. I know that you're not ill, you have to hang on."

He still was smiling with his beautiful smile, encouraging me by his gaze. But his eyes didn't shine, like his soul has fly away from his body. We suddenly heard a knock at the door. I quickly turned around and my gaze fixed upon the doctor's white blouse. When I wanted to turn my eyes back to my neighbor, he has disappeared, like a wind blow swiping the dead leaves of autumn. It was always like this. He came and disappeared in just one time, without even telling me where he was going. However, I always felt his presence, as if a part of him has stayed with me. Every days, he came to visit me, every days the doctor came to see me for his regular interview and this commonly day was repeating in cycle for months. This monstrous loop was only animated par his coming, his almost angelic touch and his gaze that came from heaven. I didn't know how many time I was a prisoner from this, but I have this impression that it was an eternity.