Thinking about suicide is not the best way to go. Over the years I have never known that going through the pain that I go through today would intense. No one told me that when I turned fifteen I would live in a group home in Rome. The thoughts that I think about makes me want to harm myself, but I know that I cant because I have more important things to worry about then end up dead on a bathroom floor. It's not that i think about suicide everyday of my life, I just think that I want to end my life because I feel like no one wants to listen to me when I have a problem. They don't understand that I just want to end everything. I have always thought about what would happen if i really committed suicide and if anyone would be at my funeral.? In my past I did some not so good things and I don't like bragging about it. I guess I just did it to keep all the pain that I was going through to myself by drugs. I don't go to drug group because I believe that I can stop when ever I want because I know how to control what I do. At the time I believed that I was done with my life because I felt like giving up.
I always pictured myself getting shot twelve times in the chest because I feel like when I was twelve I did a lot of things that I regret till this day. I know that I cant control my past, but I know how to face the fact that I have grown up. I don't want to live in the past, I want to live my life. I don't understand why I have to be in this situation because I believe that I had a part in me being in the group home. Sometimes I believe that giving up is the best option because I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I believe that I don't have to please anybody because as long as I believe that I'm worrying about what I need to then I don't need those people that shut me down. Everyday that I wake up I think about all the bad decisions that I have made, and I don't realize that I have hurt my piers around me. I can honestly say that I only have a few friends that have actually have been there for me through my whole life. People all around me always told me that I was a bright girl, and that I got everything that I wanted... but no I didn't my mom was a drug addict. She never knew when to quit until she finally realized that I was not there no more to save her from her mistakes. She believed that she could use me to get out of her troubles and every time she told me she would quit I always ended up believing her.
My mom knew that she did me wrong that's why we don't have a strong connection no more. I believed that she was the one that took my childhood away. I didn't know what to really believe because it was always a man she put before me. And I never once said that I was tired of all the crap she was putting me through. I never knew that you could love somebody that really broke your heart by replacing you with someone else. I always believed your family came first. I understand that I was never there when my mom was in her ways that she was in. I never once said nothing because I knew that I did the same thing that my mom was doing. As always, Sierra, which is me , I understand that i have done things in the past that caused me to be who I am today. Not only do I believe that I did wrong in my past, I also believe that my mom had more to do with what I was doing than me. I know that might sound wrong but that's what I believe. The past is the past that's what I was always taught.
In the end, I am where I am at, and I cant do nothing about it because of my situation. Although I have been through a lot I try to keep moving forward because every time I keep thinking about the past I get very emotional. I am very little for my age, but I still have panic attacks. No matter what anyone says I still believe that I don't need to be here. I cant do nothing about where I am at because they wont let me go home. I just believe that it's time for me to go home. Don't you.?
