If I haven't said this already my name is Elara and no, I am not despite the rumours going around school dead. At least not yet, but the doctor was saying something the other day and now I know it's all true. You see people walked all over me before I came in here like I was a doormat but now they tiptoe around me like I am made of glass. I am in a hospital bed and I was told to eat my lunch at least half or I will be sedated and the tube feed will go in again. So I am slowly munching a bowl of white rice with sweetcorn and carrots in it and a small cup of milk sits on the tray. I wish I could just fade, but at least no one is bothering me today.
Yesterday Maddy Lilac came in and sat by me talking for an hour but she said I was as distant as ever. Not that I care, she is the closest thing I have to a friend which is to say she knew about me not eating and she made me go to the doctors a few weeks ago, and in the end or in other words last Friday in the school canteen she sprinted to reception and told them to call an ambulance. She is 13 and wise for her age with golden blond wavy shoulder-length hair, grey eyes and brown cat-eye glasses. I look out of the window after finishing 60% of the bowl, and a glass of milk. The town is still as it normally is at 10:30, even on a Saturday.
Which is why I was so surprised when the wonder twins walked in. I call them that because their eyes are full of hope and happiness, and they are both science geeks but I always thought they were cool. The younger one is in my science class his name is Lance and he is taller than me and he rarely speaks. The older one Jade is in my music class and plays the piano as well as the clarinet. They walked up to the end of my bed and said, "We got you these, Lance said they are your favourites. If you ever need someone to talk to we are here for you Elara. There is a card with our contact details on in the flowers and we will leave it on your table." I nodded and looked at Lance his small face which seemed sad and misty compared to before. "Can you both stay?" I raise my arm it hurts and flails back down when I lose my strength. "Of course Elara," Lance says in a deep soothing voice. They take the chair and sit down next to me. I tell them what is going on and that if I die, that I want it to be said that it was natural causes and not the demon that lives in my head. I ask about last Friday and who saw, and what rumours are going around. Lance tells me that most people think I am dead or in a coma. This is not surprising because of the events that unfolded in that canteen and most people including me will never forget it. Some saw me gasping, others saw me coughing up blood and a few realised that I was dying. Later the school announced that I would be back next year and that they would be informed of any improvements before then. I am 15, and I will be doing my exams in just under two years. Lance says "you look tired Elara, I hope you feel better soon. Don't flicker out now my little Bunsen flame."
It's an in-joke that followed one of my really bad days where I ran out of a physics practical to throw up after eating bad chicken for breakfast and Lance brought my stuff to reception for me and got the nurse. And he carried the wheelchair up so I didn't have to walk with my clicking ankles. The Bunsen flames all went out when I ran out of the room and no one understood why the teacher said it was from the breeze I created but Lance said it was me keeping them alight in the first place.
And I smile weakly at him, "I have definitely felt and looked better. Thanks for coming to see me Lance and thanks for the flowers and the offer. I will contact both of you at some point, there is nothing to do here. And I can't have anything dangerous or toxic in case I attempt to ingest it. Which means photos and drawing are off the table along with letters. But emails and texts aren't. And I can update my journal which is on a word program I have locked so no one else can get to it. It's really nice to see both of you, the last person I saw was Mads and a kid who escaped the pica room. He tried to eat the lock on the window and get out that way. Then they brought him to meet me, and we talked he goes to the boys' school, he is 16 and has just finished his exams. He seems so nice, but none of us are getting that much better. I hope we get better though, all of us. I look at Jade who looks like she is worried about something "Is everything alright Jade?" She was startled by my voice and replied, "It is complicated, anyone who visits you is being bullied and questioned by the Flower crowd. Honestly, Aurora needs to mind her own business but she knew Lance and I were coming to see you and she stormed to our door. She said I should tell you to quit whining like a wounded dog and get back to school. At least that is the nice version. I hope you feel better soon and if you need anything we are both here for you. We are your friends even though we don't really hang out." I nod.
What they didn't know is that I have been saving my tablets up in the bottom of the flower vase and that at the end of this week I was going to fade for real. But at that moment the sedative in my milk kicked in and I fell asleep. When I woke up they were gone and their contacts were on the table over my stomach. And I grabbed out my phone, and laptop then I logged into the WIFI and typed up a text and email to both of them. Lance responded an hour later and Jade responded half an hour after that. Perhaps I am writing this to document my last moments before I say goodbye and maybe this will be the start of my new life. I have always thought Lance was a nice guy, he writes neatly and is incredibly literate. He is a genius writer unlike me, who can't spell without spell check. He could write a 5-page essay within 20minuets without a plan and he had done so on various occasions. I spent the full hour writing it and had to correct a million spelling and grammar mistakes after I got it back. We also had English together and at one point we sat next to each other, it was his idea and it was nice to not talk to an empty chair for an hour. We still do as far as I know but after everything that went down on Friday, I am not sure about anything anymore. I mean do I even see Lance as a friend? I don't know and what I need now more than ever is to sort my life out. So I once again write to my Diary and hope reading back over it tomorrow will clear up some questions not that it ever does. So I messaged Lance.
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Dear Lance-alot,
Hello Lance, I wanted to ask you if you knew about my condition before Friday? Sorry, it's been on my mind a lot recently. My favourite colour is gold, and royal blue. They just remind me of the time before I was ill I suppose. What is your favourite colour and why? Also thanks for replying so quickly. Also, how is Miss Lincoln? I have missed her class etiquette rants even though she has only had a few since I was last in. I can't believe that it has been over a week already. I hope everything is okay and Aurora is not being too annoying. Lance, how are the bunsen burners without me? And how is Sit-out Sally doing? And is Jade still on that Mozart piece for music I meant to ask her but I just sent off my email to her? By the way, I love your email address. It is so cool and unique, with a definite geeky edge. Mine is a bit plainer I am afraid, Elara-Flora15 does not have the same ring to it. I have to ask something because my internal world is crumbling apart and I don't know what is true or false any more. Am I fat or is it just in my head? And do you think I am ugly? I'm sorry to ask but I don't know the answers and I am racking my brain trying to work them out but I can't.
From Elara-Flora Glass xx
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Dear Elara-flora15,
Hello Elara, I had a feeling I mean not many people constantly run around everywhere and rarely eat. I mean I think you are incredibly strong and beautiful despite all that you are going through. In my eyes you are beautiful and the only thing that stops you from being perfect is that demon in your head. You are skinny and ill Elara and the bitter truth is you are dying. I need you to be strong and look after yourself while I am at school this week. I will visit tomorrow alone. And we can talk about anything you want. As for the Bunsen burners, they are duller without you, I hope you feel better soon. Sally is as quiet as ever and I wish she would talk about things more but who am I to judge. She is still in shock from last month. My favourite colour is green just any green, it reminds me of the science of nature and my favourite animals lizards of which my favourite is the komodo dragon. What is your favourite animal? And do you have any pets? I hope you feel better soon. Sleep well Elara, Goodnight my little Bunsen flame.
From Lance William Beatha xx
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I re-read that email until it made sense which was a lot of times. I can hear the sounds of the ward now, coughing and chewing. It makes my skin crawl and I am looking at my headphones and I decide to listen to a few songs that have no cable. And my chargers are used under supervision which is understandable considering some of the patients in this ward. This is the Eating disorder ward, not that I have one. Or that I belong here, I mean I just want to be perfect. That's all every teen wants right? Anyway, it's late now and the medication is kicking in again. So this is it for today.
-Elara xx
YOU ARE READING
Shattered
Novela JuvenilElara Glass has not been seen in weeks, her classmates await news of her condition but they never suspected that she might have an eating disorder or that she was dying. But she never thought anyone would risk their lives to save hers until Jade an...
