Vent

The idea of Death.

I don't know why but I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone, any boy I've even tried to get close to has always let me down, broke me down, hurt me or led me on, the only boys I find comfort in are band members and their music and their bands, they're the people that can make me smile and make me feel less alone and more wanted in this world but the moment the music turn off and I'm alone listening to the bitter silence or the sounds of reality I feel sick, almost like I don't belong in this generation, or this world, like I should have never been born, that would have been better wouldn't it? I wouldn't have to deal with the people that hate me, or the bullying and the hateful words, my family wouldn't be suffering with all my stress and depression if I wasn't here, surely it would be better if I was just gone.

I feel like running away and never looking back. I want to just float away and slowly disappear from the planet, I don't want to be here anymore, I should just be dead already, but I stay strong for my friends and my family that do care, as little of the people that, that is, it's still people I would be hurting if I left, I saw a quote before and I said..

'suicide doesn't end the pain, it passes it onto someone else'

I wouldn't want to hurt the people that care about me, no matter how much I want to run and never look back, I won't do it..

something about the idea of death and dying scares me, but at the same time, I don't want to be here and I don't want this pain anymore, but I can't bring myself to do anything drastic because I'm too scared of dying. I mean.. what happens after? do I look over everyone or do I just disappear? death scares me, that idea of that much pain coursing through your body before leaving this world, is it like the pain you feel while living and being hated and heartbroken? or is it worse? or does it feel like a release? I don't know, but I'm too scared to find out or even try, so for now. I'm just going to isolate myself the best I can away from people that don't want to be in my life or want to bring me down.