I'm Hoping Everyday You Find the Strength to Stay With Me

This Isn't How Its Suppose to Be

The dreams seem to be getting more and more vivid every night. I see other people that I've dreamt of since such a young age. I don't recall ever actually meeting any of them but I feel like they mean a lot to me. Like I couldn't live with out them.

I know some of their names. Sometimes I talk to them when I'm awake. Other times I just feel like they are with me. I think Jesse is my favorite. He's so bold and doesn't take anything from anyone. And then there's Gabe, Justin, and Jack. Gabe has such skill. He knows how to keep a beat and is excellent at music. I used to be like him but I lost that a long time ago. Justin is so errotic. It's like he's meant to be a sexual deviant or something. I've never met a guy who is so seductive and daring. Its like he's not scared to get close to someone and I envy him for that. Jack, he's got so much artistic talent. I've seen some of the drawings he's done in my dreams. It's like they are everything I've always wanted to be, but am to scared to become.

I do wish to be like them. More than anything though I wish they were real. I always feel so alone in this world. It's like my life is passing me by and I'm just going through the motions. I go all day waiting till night time to have my dreams. They take me places that I'd never be able to go to alone.

When I woke up this morning all I could think about was them. It's all I usually think about. I need to focus more on my school work, though. I've seem to be falling behind and cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's like I black out through the whole lecture. I'm working to major in English. I want to be a writer someday. But it seems at the rate I'm going I'll never get there. If I was Jesse I'm sure I could make it, but I'm not and he's only a figment of my imagination. Someday though, I'll make it through all this.

I walked up the steps of my school building, feeling my self becoming uneasy. I always seem to get that way when I came here. I felt a hand on my shoulder that forced me to turn around. I saw a tall man, I can never remember his name. Collin maybe? The look in his eyes were determination. For what, I'm not sure. He smiled wickedly at me. It's times like these that I really wish I was Jesse. Jesse would never be afraid of this man no matter how big he was. He would stand up to him and make him leave me alone. He was like an older brother that I never had to me.

"Hi, Kells. Such a lovely day isn't it" He lent down and breathed in my ear. I have no clue who this man was. He put his hands on my chest and shoved me to the ground. "Fuc.king fa.ggot. Go kill yourself or something. Get the hell out of my way." I was shocked by the way this stranger was acting toward me. I don't remember doing anything to him ever in my life. How does he even know my name? And what's with this 'Kells' stuff like he knows me? I was outraged. I stood from the ground onto my feet..

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I looked down on Collin. His face was bloody and he had terror in his eyes. What happened and how did I get here? "Please. Please stop. I'm sorry. Just... just leave me alone!" He shouted at me. I looked around in confusion and fear. Did I do that to him? So many questions were running threw my head at once and all I could do was run, so I did just that. I ran for the nearest exit. I pushed my way threw the double doors flinging them both open. I ran down the hallways trying my best to find the way out of this building. I ran for my dorm.

When I finally made it to my room I looked down at my bloody knuckles. Why can't I remember doing this? Fu.ck! I threw my pillow across the room and laid face down on my bed trying to figure out what just happened. Maybe I will remember after I sleep some.

All through my sleep I seen Jesse's face. He was smiling and kept telling me I was okay. He was confurting me telling me that things were going to be okay and not to worry about a thing. That all of them are always going to be there for me.