It is Tuesday and I feel good for once. Griffin skips in smiling at 7, he hasn't been awake before 9 for awhile. But it's nice to see him. "Guess the smiles are catching," Griffin bounces into the chair by my bed. I smile wider and we talk about our dreams. I find out that he wants to write poetry for a living and be a freelance photographer which I think is cool and amazing. I tell him that, and he says not while I'm still ill though. And I say that we will get better and we will I believe that for a moment. Then I think of the pills I will have enough tomorrow, so I need to make sure Griffin stays out. I tell him that I want to be a Journalist and it's true despite my frequent grammar issues and autocorrect being frustrating at the best of times. But I love the writing process anyway and seeing your work published is the most amazing feeling ever. My articles will be on health and how to accept who you are, and fighting demons and I want people to know that someone understands them and that they aren't alone. That is why I am writing this, or at least that is what I am telling myself. As me and Griffin go outside to sit in the mini garden the nurse sits out watching us but she's nice and it's comforting that she is there. I look at the small bamboo stalks around our semicircular bench made of granite the nurse is opposite writing notes. Not many patients leave their rooms, we have joined rooms I share with a middle-aged woman named Britney. She is awake all the time and waves at me, she seems really nice. Griffin shares with T-jay who is 12. He is nice but a little over-enthusiastic. It is nice to know we aren't the only ones but according to statistics not all four of us will live. I don't tell Griffin that, I don't want to scare him, sometimes it's better to live being oblivious. Pepa, a tall Spanish girl, sometimes tells us she is nice she doesn't know much English though so we have to have a nurse working as a translator.
"If you could travel to 5 places where would they be and why?" Griffin asks leaning forward on his knees so he is looking slightly back at me when he cocks his head. "well I would definitely like to go and see the northern lights because they are so beautiful and I really want to be a travel journalist so I can say how it is best to travel there etc. Then I would have to say Hawaii because it looks like a tropical paradise. Then I would love to see London because I want to learn more about this country's history I guess. Then I would love to visit Paris as it seems so romantic. And I want to swim in the Great Barrier reef because that would be amazing you know." Britney says she lived in Japan for 5 years. She loved walking underneath the cherry blossoms and the festival was one of the best things she has ever been to. Griffin has been to Germany and Florida. He loved both and the food.
I guess I should be happy at this moment but all I can think about is my next meal and those pills which are enough as of midnight tonight. I know I should be thinking about Lance, and everyone else I am leaving behind but I am just thinking about how tired I am and I don't think I can hold on in this storm any longer. It is going to win either way and I can't go through this anymore. I am writing about all of this 6 hours after it happened and I am alone now and the nurse brings in my next tablets and my evening meal. I have enough now but I am going to stay up and talk to Lance and Jade as well as Griffin. Britney stays quiet and I know she hears me crying. She doesn't say anything though, I guess she has been taking her meds.
Now I think of Lance, he was supposed to visit today but I don't mind. I'm sure that is what Jade said but it doesn't matter now anyway. I could tell you that I will be okay but honestly, I can't think like that because the idea of gaining weight is unbearable. I know that sounds dumb but I don't think I can handle it. I will attach my final emails to this and will write one last entry tomorrow morning.
Elara xx
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To Lance-a-lot, Jade-the-complete-babe-2018,
This is my story. I am sharing this with you in case I don't make it. Tell Maddie to keep smiling when I'm gone.
We were all small once, as was I. Small Elara with her Spanish mother and British father. You could say I was a happy child, but most children always thought I was slightly off. I used to be a fussy eater for a few months then go back to normal for a while. It was a cycle like the weather my brain wanted food and declined it. At some point I had enough and I felt it sitting in my stomach and I felt that urge then I don't remember much but the empty feeling after and the awful smell. As you know my mum died from complications caused by Leukaemia when I was 6 then my dad was diagnosed when I was 12. And he asked my aunt to take me in, the last time I saw him he was pale and skinny. Then my aunt was crying a few months later and my dad wasn't with us anymore. I cried so much I felt sick, then I threw up. And it was comforting strangely. I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't about being skinny not until Aurora caught me when I was 14 then she called me 'an anorexic bitch'. And she pinned me down then pulled my hair back and punched me in the face. Then the arm and the leg until she had done enough. It hurt, and I cried. When I got home my aunt asked 'Elara what is wrong my dear?' I told her it was nothing. And to this day my aunt hasn't asked since. It was always about intake, seeing how much I could not eat. Then one day I hit the limit, out of nowhere my heart hurt and I collapsed. Right there in the middle of the canteen, I could feel something warm coming out of my throat. BLOOD. Call 999, I heard people rush around me. Then I remember falling asleep. And waking up a week later. Then I was in a state of shock for a day, screaming. Then I saw Maddie, and she told me what was going on. The doctors are talking outside now they say I will be out by the end of this month but I don't want to be. Not if it means being fat, or living. My name is Elara Glass and I am shattered in more ways than one. I'm exhausted from fighting, of pretending to be someone I am not. I'm broken as a human, I can't think for myself with all of this going on. And I am going to be gone soon, so you don't have to worry any longer. I'm sorry.
From Elara xx.
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To Grif-bearoni,
Stay strong guy, I mean it. No matter what fight this monster. You are a Griffin, a brave lion and a wise bird rolled into one. Now breathe and fly away. You can make it, I believe in you the whole way. And tell that guy you love him, you'll never know if he feels the same if you never ask. So ask you complete bearoni. I will miss you, but this is how it has to be. I can't stand it anymore. See you in the sky, Griffin.
from Elara x
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YOU ARE READING
Shattered
Teen FictionElara Glass has not been seen in weeks, her classmates await news of her condition but they never suspected that she might have an eating disorder or that she was dying. But she never thought anyone would risk their lives to save hers until Jade an...
