Shattered

Dear Diary, 1 week and 5 days

So I have sent the email. All the corridors are about to boom back into life and I am sat here waiting until 7 to swallow. And yet I don't want to at the same time. Lance didn't come yesterday. And part of me wants to believe that he does not care at all because that makes things easier on us all. Or maybe it makes things harder. All I keep thinking about is becoming fat and that scares me, now I am lying here with my ribs jabbing my skin I feel more alive than dead. Of course the further you fall down the rabbit hole the less good days there are but that is part of life. And I don't think I can do this anymore. So as I am sitting here I am almost hoping Lance shows up. Then the clock chimes 7 and I empty the vase into my hand and drink some water then reach my hand up when...

It was supposed to be over just like that. No more pain, but it wasn't.

"Stop, Elara put them down please." Lance stands at the door his face worried and shocked. Concerned tone to his voice. "Please just breathe, I'm here and everything will get better. It will just take time. Now breathe." I drop the pills into the bin that Lance puts in front of me. Then he just hugs me as I cry so much that I feel drained but better afterwards.

I get changed and we go out to the garden with Griffin and he instantly knows what happened. "Elara this here in your chest is a flame that will keep you going no matter what happens so don't extinguish it. You can fight this okay? Elara, think about all the things you can do to change the world for the better. In twenty years today will hurt but it will be a blip and so will 12 days ago. You'll be better and you will feel good about it. It is all about the small victories, one battle at a time. You are strong and beautiful enough and you will win this fight in the end. It is just getting there now Elara, and it will be hard but I am here for you the whole way and I am pretty sure Lance, Jade and Maddie are too." Griffin is sat opposite me on the bench which is engraved with 'Live, laugh, love' engraved into the back in cursive lettering. Lance is sitting next to me with his hand in mine. And dried tears surround my eyes. I am Elara Glass and this just might be the beginning of the rest of my life. Griffin tells me that he called college guy and it turns out he is bisexual and loves Griffin too. 1-0 to ELARA the friendship adviser. I know that is to Lances' and Jades' 500+ points each but I am still happy about it there. Lance may not be the strongest or the most intelligent but he is kind. He is handsome in a nerdy way. Okay, I like him, I'll admit it. And sitting there I rest my head on his shoulder slowly, and I feel safe. It's almost as if today is a new start for us all. And I am calm and as happy as I can be.

Fighting this is like dancing in a room that is on fire, and you are being drained but you can't stop. You can't get out alone but no one can know because nothing is wrong. I mean it can't be, right? At first, it's only one bite less, and by the end, it is only one bite that you can't force down. It is never quite the same after that first thought because from an ember a fire grows. And you are stuck in there all the flames saying 'fat', 'ugly', 'worthless' until regular life is drained out by these voices. It is slow at first so is the weight loss, then as it takes hold of you, you get smaller and smaller until you are flesh and bone but that image is still so fat. And you can't stand it. There comes a point where you want to cry or scream every time you see yourself in a mirror or a photograph, and you can't explain why you just do because the voices are in control and you are lost so far among those flames that you are gone. There is no going back by then and some fade into the ocean at that point others like me wake up in a hospital. Once I smashed 10 mirrors in a row and my aunt didn't understand why. And I just ran out crying.

We all need help to fight sometimes, a helping hand to lift us back up. And it's okay to ask, it's okay to cry until there are no tears left because we are human and that is all part of being who we are. I am one of you. I feel your pain and I know it is hard, but believe me that you can stand back up even when your strength is all gone. We can do this, everyday people will bring you down and it may hurt but you can't let it sink into your skin. Talk about it, get it out however you can but stay strong and look after yourself. We all need rest, and it is okay to get it. And if I could tell you how I see everyone else I would tell you that I see them as beautiful, and strong. And we all need to lift everyone up instead of bringing each other down. At the end of the day, we are all amazing people and we can do this together.

I made a promise today, to stay strong and fight. Griffin and I are leaving soon enough. And I am ready to shine again. To be with Lance, to sway elegantly at the school dance. I am ready for exams when they come. For the day Griffin emails and says what his mocks were like in sixth form or college. For the day when I feel alive and healthy. For the day when everything falls into place like today. And I can't wait. Life is a question mark and we never know what is going to happen next and that is okay. It is hard sometimes but it will get easier.

Elara x