Shattered

Thursday (1 week and 6 days)

I look up and everything is the same. Lance saved me. I wish I didn't have to leave in some ways. My aunt Cora will be upset around now, and she has no one to turn to. Except for her son Liam who is training in the USA to become a police officer. My uncle Phil works abroad for most of the year and only gets a 3-week vacation to see us every year. I lay there thinking that I should be grateful for my aunt, for my uncle and cousin for taking me in. Maddy comes in at 7:20 and she says that the Flower crowd are making threats again. And that they had an assembly on mental health the other day. Then Freja Pepa's roommate came into the lounge joined by T-jay and Griffin. Then Maddy leaves for school. And the rest of us are talking.

"So how are my little Jelly beans how are you all today?" Freja asks. T-jay looks unimpressed, mainly because he is in his mid-20s and has a full-blown beard as well as honey-toned skin. He is also very tall and as you can guess he has Pika as well. "Alright I guess, I really miss my best friend she is away at the moment. We would always go out for coffee on a Thursday morning." T-jay says and I understand that so I nod. Freja looks as if she should be an old woman but she is 30 her birthday also happened to be her first day in the hospital. She has thinning shoulder-length blond hair and tense skin. She has bulimia and is looking a lot more healthy after the past few weeks she has spent here, I can see that her teeth used to be white but they are yellow and her breath stank when I first met her she was having a really bad day, she was throwing up for a whole night. And I met her during that, I must have looked sad that night it was storming and I had just about gotten out of the sleep stage of my first week. We walked into her room and chatted as Pepa hadn't joined us yet at that point. Now she looks happier and better for the hospital meals and treatments. "I am struggling a little bit at the moment, I nearly lost my fight yesterday and I am talking to the PEN later. I'm sorry guys." I speak up and Griffin puts his arm around me. "Look at me Elara, you aren't broken none of us are. Our mirrors and views are just blurred and distorted, but it will be okay. Yes at moments it will be tough, and we all have those days. Where we want to give up, but we have to keep fighting this. Because our lives are out there not in here, and if we fight we can get them back. We are just tired, shattered, exhausted. We will get better, with eating, sleeping and exercising on a physical level. On a mental level, the therapy will help." Freja speaks up and I see her eyes shine. "Come here Pup, we all have our dark days and for each one of them, there will be a good day. The feeling is what makes us human and maybe that makes us feel weak some days but it can help you stay strong on others." T-jay hugs me and pulls away with a small smile. Then Griffin who has been sat anxiously speaks up, "This is going to be hard and we all know that. But we will win in the end, all these things are curable. They are demons and they won't take our souls, we can't let them. I am not giving up, not until that heart machine runs flat, not until I can't stand back up. And I want you all to be happy and stay strong no matter what happens after we leave here. You can always count on me." And I hugged him, "Me too Griffin." And the other two join in and we all cry for a moment then we smile.

The truth about me is I am shattered and nothing seems to solve that, but I have to keep going. For these guys, for my friends and Lance. I look into a full-length mirror and I smile, then a little voice says 'They are here to make you fat. To bring you closer to death and being fat as well as ugly.' I shake my head, "No they aren't. They are helping me live. You are killing me. That is how I ended up here." It screams and I breathe, then I feel this anger and I run out of the room. It is time for my psychology enquiring nurse appointment anyway. So I wait outside the door and Jasmine walks out and pats me on the back with a small smile. We talk about how I feel and I cry quite a lot and say exactly how I feel. And the nurse reminds me that ups and downs are perfectly natural. Then we talk about yesterday and she asks if I have had any more thoughts since then and I relay that I haven't which is true. I thought about Lance and Aunt Cora, not death. By the end of the hour, I feel drained but better and we have two sessions left on Thursdays before I leave.