Shattered

Friday (2 weeks)

I am standing at the back gates, my hands trembling. And I am pulling my body over it, then running. Down the street where Aunt Cora asked me if I was okay the day before it all happened. Then the walk-a-woods where Maddie told me that I was so strong after my aunt had divorced my uncle. I heard my feet tapping on the ground, my ankles clicking, my legs shaking. My heart is pounding, and I feel tingly and dizzy. I keep going. Past the green square where Jade asked Layla out and I hid in a bush to make sure it went okay, let's put it this way she has been single since birth that moment didn't affect that. Then I see the road where my parents crashed, and my eyes well up. Then I run faster and faster until I don't feel alive. I don't know where I am until I see the bench at the edge of the park by the red tree. It's made of titanium, me and Lance painted it a year ago. Then I feel this spinning and I pass out.

Griffin told the doctors and I woke up in my room again. Then Freja and Jasmine, the others are sitting around my bed. And the doctors are talking, "She is being released next week are you sure she is ready?" And my eyes flutter open, I see Griffin sitting at the foot of my bed and he says "Hey, it's okay. You are safe." I feel this swelling in my heart because I know that Griffin had to tell the doctors and I know that he found that difficult. But his face is soft in the afternoon sun. And I don't know what to say. "Elara what happened?" T-jay asks. I feel my eyes release and tears flow, "I felt trapped, my parents died years ago today. And I saw the fence then I must have jumped over it and I ran. Then everything is an emotional blur until the bench." Griffin hugs me and so does Jasmine. Then T-jay squeezes my hand, and the doctor sends them all out. "I am afraid I have bad news, your Aunt is coming to pick you up on Monday. It's your uncle who is seriously ill. You have a few days to say your goodbyes. And we will give you your leaving pack on Sunday. I'm truly sorry that it has come to this and I hope everything works out for you in the end. Look after yourself. Is there anyone you want to tell yourself or do you want me to announce it?" I tell her to announce it and hike my knees up to my face then I cry some more. I don't want to stay exactly, but that doesn't mean I am ready to leave.

Griffin comes in and says, "well if we only have two days left then we might as well hang out all we can right?" And I smile, weakly but I smile. I feel better about it all now that it's confirmed and now that I'm with Griffin on the first of many home stretches. The last 100 meters of my hospital race. So I sat in the lounge with my head resting on Freja's shoulder and my legs curled onto Jasmine's lap. And my body is across Griffin. It might sound strange but every evening has been like this. It's calming comforting in the darkness. I know that I will see Lance on Monday. He and my Aunt have an agreement he helps her check up on me and she lets him come round anytime. It's kind of sweet, I love being surprised by his geeky face on a random day. Then Griffin says "What is your favourite colour?" And I tell him that it is red.

My eyes are red from crying and I don't care about that. Somewhere out there in this country, my uncle is sick, really sick. I don't matter right now. My voice is sore and croaks like a frog after I cry so I am staying quiet. Even though I know that they won't mind. In fact, Griffin would say it's sweet, but I don't think I can speak not right now. I feel tired, exhausted. It's like no amount of sleep would let me rest enough. Like I am just a skeleton, with nothing left but skin. And bones shatter and heal then you walk on. Step after step, minute after minute, week after week, you keep going until you shatter so badly that you break apart. I could tell you what I remember from two weeks ago, but I don't want to think about that. That means considering that I almost died, that this thing in my head is a demon that nearly got my soul. And I felt skinny, the moment before it happened. I felt happy, then this pain from my stomach grew upwards. Then this stabbing pain throbbed my heart and I felt this nasty metallic spike of fluid gasp out of my mouth. Blood. Then my whole body convulsed then it slowly went still. I heard the call, then I felt my chest being compressed by the metal pads. And I fell into a rest. I don't know how I made it, and perhaps I don't want to. I mean, I feel dead in a way. In other ways, I wish I was. Yet I'm still here and I'm grateful for that.

It's late now and I am still with Griffin and Jasmine. We are talking about our futures, their voices are straining from their own tears. Jasmine talks about her sister Josephine, "she has a tough life as it is. Losing another close family member would tip her. If something happens to me I want you to make sure she is okay. She is 12 and goes to your school. Please." We both tell her that we will. Griffin tells me that he called 'college guy' and I ambush hug him, which looks exactly like a belly flop, but I would rather think of it like a Panther hugging its tiger friend. I tell them that I want to be a journalist and they both seem to smile, "Our mini writer, let that shine in your soul flow onto those pages. You'll be amazing Elara." Jasmine says in an angelic voice. I smile and hug all three of us. And eventually I fall asleep on the sofa and my head is on Griffin's torso as it's a short l shape. Jasmine is in the armchair her legs in a z shape to the rest of her body. It's calm and peaceful and I can breathe. In an out as the stars dance around outside, it's so quiet. No one is ill for once. It's comforting, soothing me to sleep.

And I dream about dancing with Lance at a 1920s party and feeling like nothing could tear us apart. Then this bony hand tugs me away I'm kicking and screaming but no one can hear me. It puts me in a hedge maze and it's pitch black. So I am calling out for help. And my mum appears as an angel, "You can do this, my beautiful girl, you have the strength in your soul to do this and everything else. Believe me, it will all be okay." then she fades away and I walk through the maze. It's cold and my dress seems to be getting tighter. And smaller. I keep going, focusing on Lance. Then I see my arms are getting puffy and fat. I see my cheeks inflate and then my stomach. And I can barely breathe. But I keep focus, I keep walking and it stops. I go back to the way I was at the start when I reach the centre. The maze shifts and there is a straight path out, so I run. Picking my dress up and flinging my heels away I sprint. Bony hands are trying to grab me from below and the sides. Scratching, clawing and dragging me down. But I carry on. Then I reach the end and Lance is with another girl, Aurora. And I scream. Then I wake up crying.

Griffin wakes up and hugs me into him. "It will be alright, we all have nightmares but it's okay. It's okay to feel sad or scared, it's okay to need comfort when everything you know is flipped upside down. I'm here for you." he squeezes my shoulder gently and I tell him what happened in my dream. And he tells me that it won't happen. And he just sits with me and we talk about the best moments of our lives and movies. Jasmine joins in when she wakes up. And before I know it is Saturday.