Bedazzled But Blind

      Staring at the falling leaves, I remember this was the season I would never ever forget. I totally get over it but just the feeling of longing won't go away. As the last leaf fell, my mind wondered. Like the color of that leaf, everything turns sepia. I just found myself reminiscing again.

"Please, I need this job. I can't make it to college if you fired me now. I badly need this. Please, Madame." I almost kneel on the front of my employer but it seems like she won't listen. She beckon me and I come closer. She handed me my last salary for the month. This is the fourth time that I will be out of my job and I know the same reason why.

"You keep on telling the customers that something will happen to them and you even follow them just to warn them and it's alarming! They think you are some kind of psycho or a fortuneteller, but this place is a restaurant, alright Miss Saudade? You are ordered to serve them food and not to soothsay their lives or whatever you call that craziness. This is for the betterment of our restaurant. I hope you understand." She said her litanies with finality. I know, I'm weird. I don't want this, too.

I leave that restaurant right away. I've serve this place for half a year and now I'm out.

"I need money. Oh, God! Please shower me coins or bills right now. I don't care if I get bruise if some coins would be thrown at me now, I just need money, or I'll sleep at the road the very next day." I sighed.

I didn't notice those passersby were looking at me like I've lost my head. 'Oh, come on. I lost my job but my head is still here.' I laughed nonchalantly when the rain pours. I didn't bring my umbrella and I'll go home drenched.

I am the alone hapless heroine of my life. I am not named Saudade for nothing at all. My name was a European word and it means missing or longing but it is beautiful. My mother named me this because she misses my father and she sees me as a wonderful memory of him and also a reminder that he was gone.

But unfortunately, maybe I am the embodiment of bad luck. My mother died days after I was born. I am an orphan but I didn't have a good life there. Everyone were distant at me because of my peculiar ability, to foresee the future. They were either afraid or they find me weird, some says I'm a witch.  So when I grew up, at the very first day of my 18th year, I left the orphanage and decided to work for my own life. Look how tough life is, sorry but I am tougher. It's now my third year living alone. I'm now a sophomore in a university and a working student taking Bachelor of Science in Biology. I passed the scholarship examination and it helps me a lot for my list of school expenses has been cut in half.

I have my fair share of pain and regrets in my life. One of those times was when I've foresaw the future of my professor in History. That's when I accidentally hold his palm when I'm returning the score sheets. He didn't believe that his wife will get into a car accident that night and he thought that I am just pranking him. Then I just heard that his wife died due to cerebral hemorrhage because of that accident. I blame myself because I think I didn't did my best to convince him that he should not let his wife drive that night. I had sleepless night that time but now I'm immune to that feeling. That feeling when you can't make someone believe you.

Start of second semester, the season of fall. I am browsing a Philosophy book in the library when someone approaches me. "Hi, Ms. Saudade Floresca can I sit here?" A polite baritone voice asked. I looked up just to see Casper, the infamous Casper Soledad of  the Chemical Engineering department, who has my identification card in his hand and was wearing his smile. 'So that's how he knew who am I.' I realized. I got it from him and I mouthed 'Thank you'. I usually don't let myself get associated with the likes of him. He seems like a happy go lucky type of person and I am absolutely not.