Going Pear Shaped. A tale of wizards, lizards and galvanised tubing salesmen.

Chapter 11: 'They may have claws and teeth'

Chapter 11:  'They may have claws and teeth'

'Did you see the way it floated?' said Cadmus, to no one in particular.  'And sentient, too.  As perfect a magical fireball as you could want.  When I…'

'Yes Cadmus, we've heard it before,' said Garstang, without looking up.  He was sitting on a rock, reading a book.

'A dozen times, at least,' added Norris.

'Yes, but a modified Level Six spell.  I mean, that took some…'

'You nearly killed us all,' said Sister Rosehip.

'Hmph.  Ungrateful bunch,' said Cadmus.  'If it wasn't for me, we would all be mincemeat, right now.'

'Well, if you want to be really useful, you could tell us where the road to Teeth Row is from here,' said Garstang, acerbically.  They had been travelling since dawn and they were still surrounded by nothing more than dense vegetation of stunted trees, rocks and bushes.  A small creek cut through a nearby tangle of shrubs where the horses were enjoying a cool drink.

Sister Rosehip sat down on a fallen tree trunk.  She glanced at Garstang.  'I think it's about time you came clean with us.'

'Eh?  What?'  I don't know what you mean.  I mean…'

'Since we've set out, you've been behaving as though you've never been on a treasure hunt before.'

'Well, he's never filled me with any confidence,' added Norris.  'I think we've been lost since we started.'

'Yeah,' said Cadmus.  I suspect we've been going round in circles for hours.'

'Nonsense.  I know exactly where we are.  Sort of.'

'That book you always have your nose in.  What's it called?' asked Sister Rosehip. 

'Book?  What book?' said Garstang innocently, whipping it behind his back.

One advantage about being thin was the ability to move fast when needed.  In spite of his overlarge robe, Cadmus had a handy turn of speed, and had removed the book from the grasp of a startled Garstang before anyone knew quite what was happening.

"Frequently Attempted Quests - A Beginners Guide to Searches for Magical Artefacts", he read aloud.  "Everything you need to know to prepare you for your first archaeological treasure hunt."

'Your first?' gasped Norris.

Cadmus flicked over a few pages.  "Chapter Two.  What to Put in your Backpack." - flick - flick - "Chapter Seven.  Solving Cryptic Clues and Reading Magical Symbols" - flick - flick - "Chapter Twelve.  Secret Buttons, Switches and Hidden Doors".

'But… it's just a primer!' exclaimed Sister Rosehip in disbelief.

Garstang turned red, making his spots stand out.  'Look, I know I can do it.  All right, so I haven't been on one before, but Mr Diamond always said he thought I had the potential…'

'Oh, so now it's "Mr Diamond", eh?  What happened to 'my old mate "Deuce"'?  I thought you and he were partners?'

'Well… sort of partners…'

'Just how much of a partner were you, Spotty?' asked Cadmus, frowning.

'Well, more like his assistant, technically.  On the book-keeping and sundry side of things.'

'A clerk?' screamed Cadmus.  'We're being led on a perilous and dangerous quest by a paper-pushing clerk?'

'Well, beverages and refreshments operative, actually.'