What's really on my mind

This is depression

*rant ahead* I Don't wanna be in pain but don't wanna close my eyes and face the darkness that will make it go away for I fear it will be the last I open them does that make me a coward or does that Make me smart, each night at some point I take the risk of going to sleep and not telling the people I love the most that they mean the world to me. By not closing my eyes I'm hurting my self but saving the chance to let them know I love them now I ask again does this make me coward? Pain what is pain now you can always look up the definition of any word we wanted and we'd get the scientific definition but what is pain?, To me pain is darkness and the feeling of fear all over turned into a million knives stabbing you in your heart a million times over again. Darkness what is darkness?. To me darkness is sitting alone in the dark with the tv on to hopefully to drown out the sound of your thoughts trying to kill you with the noise they are makings and the volume of the screams you hear in your head because u cant scream out loud for the fear you might cause your parents to worry and might have to explain what is wrong but don't know your self not telling someone you start to think every time someone can't help that they don't care thinking that they tell you they do just so they can keep you quiet so you put on a smile and live life the best of your ability with out saying any thing not sure how much longer you can go on but you say more than you mean to and it becomes complaining you know it is also knowing you can't help it you want the pain ,darkness , and screaming to stop after many years of letting it fester and thinking talking to someone will help but getting the same results of them telling you to try and find something to make you happier only to feel the need to scream build higher but the need to mute it increases only upping the volume in your head. You smile on the out side and let the people you love not think about the pain your in so you can help the with theirs and that's the only thing keeping u alive .