About my life, I guess

Hlp

I didn't even know why I was that angry at first. It was his decision, it was a good decision. One I would've supported.
At first I thought it was because it caused me so much stress, because knowing about it would've spared me a few panic attacks, fits of anger, a few blue spots and cuts on my body, a lot of helplessness. And while that was part of it, it still didn't really feel right to blame my feelings on it. I was hurt, and all of that would not make me feel hurt.
It's the reason why he didn't tell me. No, it's generally just that he didn't tell me.
He doesn't trust me.
It feels like something broke inside me. I can still laugh with him, I love him, I forgive him, but there's that one part inside me that's shattered to pieces.
After everything he told me, after all the times I've seen him break down, after everything, he doesn't trust me with something like this. And that hurts, a lot. I can't get it out of my head, the words echoe in my mind whenever I look at him, it makes me want to scream, it's making me tear myself apart, I want to hurt myself whenever I remember a time when I didn't handle him trusting me with something perfectly.
He doesn't trust me.
And maybe it is all my fault. Was I too harsh with him? Did I give him the feeling he couldn't trust me? Do I get angry with him that easily? Is all of this even working out? Did I fuck up? Should I leave him? I should probably just leave him.
I don't even know if this is a very minor problem, but it feels like a lot. I don't know when I can look at him the same way again. I don't know if I will ever stop hating myself, for everything I've said and done that could've influenced this.
Something inside me broke, and I don't know how to fix it.
I love him too much for all of this.
It hurts.