EXPRESSION OF LIFE or A FACADE

EXPRESSION OF LIFE OR THE FACADE..?

Its hard to survive all the pain you are dwelling within you..
Its hard to smile n seem happy for others shake
It is hard to be only the one who cannot share his pain because even after talking about it..it doesnt seem to fade..

I cannot cry to relieve it because it stay even after..
I cannot sleep because a old story of other harsh pain haunts me  at nights like i am relieving it..
I cannot wake up early in morning or will say dont want to because i lost all power to deal with above schedule of fakeness n try to seem happy again for whoes shake i dont knw .

I dont want to talk to anyone..anyone because 
I am done explaining myself..i am done arguing..i am done being missunderstood

Yes i want to be happy..i want to smile with all my heart ..i want to be my old crazy self but i think i cannot..

Because with every smile i pass and every time i laugh out..i knw deep down it is not going to last forever...and neither i am expecting it to last forever...because nothing lasts for forever....
But what i am doin and scared  of is this all facade i am puting in front of me for others happiness is neither goin to make them happy  nor it will release my pain and suffering

There are people i care about the most, people i loved from everything within me but those are the people are not  the ones who understands me, even if they do they know very well how to fake it..i knw what i want is tough to accept and they dont want it to be hard for them...those are the people that are okay with me being unhappy as if like i am already not but that i can cope with but what hurts like a hell is that that they are okay with my suffering and they want me to accept something that will hurt me for my whole life...they are okay with me being dead inside..they are okay with me wishing i could die on someones else place ryt now.....but still here like everyday i want all of them or few of them to stood by me , to stood for me like a rock and i will keep waiting for that day.

And then there is this person that i want in my life not because he makes me happy n he is everything i want..but because what i knw is that he is the person who respects me and never push me against my will..
I might hav to fight with him evey second of my life but i knw at the end of the day he will come for me with everything he have even if that hurts him too..

Its never was love that connected me with him it was the way he respects women after few talks and how he understands  diff. between being protective and restrictive ...and how he only wanted to take care of me without expecting anything is made me to choose him
Love may be do not last for ever but a good man n human lasts for life

Because i dont want to be ruled by someone
I need to be in control..i want to rule things..its not because its boost my ego or something..it is because it give me a sense of relieve that yah i knw how i will handle things next.. I cant give control of my life to anyone else because it scares me that i might will end up at a point where i will not knw how to cope up with it....

I may be selfish because i want to be happy with everyone in my life with me being happy..
But this is all i want....

Well for now this is all i have to share because its time again to cope with minor things in life and thn get happy for those whom u love ...n put that facade on again ofcouse with a smile...