Curious?

CHAPTER TWELVE

     It's been six weeks now since that party. Six weeks since I met Shawn Mendes. Six weeks since we walked in Queen's Park. Six weeks since I leaned in to kiss him and almost died of embarrassment. Six weeks since Shawn came out to me on my answering machine. Six weeks since our first date. And our second date. Six weeks since we first slept together.

Six weeks.

Six weeks, and he has yet to introduce me to his friends and family.

      Don't get me wrong, Shawn is great and I don't need to share him with anyone else, but he's met Emily since we started dating — and he knows her name now — and I couldn't wait for them to know each other. I'm still puzzled as to why he does not feel the same. And he's still asking me to be low-key about our relationship — at least he calls it a relationship — and even though I know he likes his privacy, I have to admit it does feel odd to me.

      I just want to walk down the street with my boyfriend and hold his hand. I want him to lend me his jacket. I want to kiss him goodbye as he wishes me a good day at work. I want to go out to eat in an actual restaurant, with a bar where other people serve us food and drinks. I want to go get a coffee on Sunday morning and sit with my boyfriend's hand on my thigh.

      But none of that is happening with Shawn. It's more movie dates at his condo and take out. It's lonely cab rides home, or too short rides behind the tinted windows of his SUV.

      I'm not saying I don't like spending time with him, of course I do! But we live in one of the most amazing cities in the world, and yet we act like we're on house arrest! I thought it would change after we'd been dating for a while, but it's been six weeks now, and it's always the same. So I decided to have a chat with him.

      I get out of bed on Friday morning and get ready for my shift at work. I'm off at 5 all week, and Shawn has been picking me up every night so we can spend more time together. He's leaving for tour soon, and he won't be around most of summer, so we've been enjoying his free time.

      At work, I try to concentrate on my tasks, but all I'm able to do is replay in my head the conversation I'm going to have with Shawn tonight. I say everything I want to say, I ask every question that's been on my mind for the past few days, I say it all every which way, and I think of any and all replies Shawn could have for me.

      Around 4:55 pm, I see Shawn's SUV pull up in front of the store. I can't leave now, so I wait out the last few minutes of my shift. When the clocks in the home decor department strike 5, I make my way to the break room to pick up my stuff. I meet Shawn in his car, and he welcomes me like he always does: with a wide smirk other people would mistake for a smile because of his sunglasses.
"Hi there, how was work?" Shawn asks as I settle in the car.
"It was okay," I answer dryly.
"Are you sure? You sound like you had a rough day," he says, concerned.
"Oh. Yeah, I promise. I just had a lot on my mind today. I actually wanted to talk to you about something," I say, a bit more ominously than I intended.
"Okay..? Shoot."
"No, not here. When we get to your place."

      Shawn looks at me confused and worried. I don't look away, and don't say a word, so he simply turns back to face the street and drives us home. We ride in silence, and no one breaks it even as we pull up to the parking garage or get into the elevator. Shawn unlocks the door to his condo, and as if a spell is lifted, I open my mouth and let out:
"Don't you think it's been long enough?"
"I'm sorry?" Shawn asks, almost relieved by my vague question.
"I'm serious. Don't you think our relationship is worth mentioning to people?"
"Adam..." he replies, uneasy again. "You know I like my priv-"
"I swear to God, Shawn, if you say 'privacy' one more time..."
"What do you mean?"
"Shawn! We've been seeing each other for over a month. I've been sleeping here more often than in my own bed. We laugh together, we have fun. When people make me feel that way, I don't want to keep them private. But now I feel like you're hiding me away! Like I'm your dirty little secret."

      I stare at him and he stares back. I can see he's a bit taken aback by what I said. I guess he thought I was buying into the whole privacy bit.

"Adam, look. I like you a lot. I do. But I'm not ready to go public yet. If I do that, you have no idea what repercussions that could have, both for you and for me. Are you ready for your life to be watched by millions of strangers?"
"Who said anything about millions of strangers! I-"
"I did! I have 45 of them following me on Instagram! And you don't think they'll start following you, too?"
"No, Shawn, I meant who said I wanted you to introduce me to your fans! Start by inviting me out with your friends. Or dinner at your parents'. I haven't even met your sister, and you can't stop talking about her."
"It's just... They're so important to me..."
"Yes! Exactly! Isn't that why you should want me to meet them?"

      Shawn looks down for a second. He fumbles around with his hands nervously and doesn't say a word. I continue:
"You don't. Because you're scared of what they'll think. Because I'm a guy."

      Shawn looks up at me, and I see in his eyes that he can't say it, but I'm right. And as much as I would like to be there for him, I would be of no help. He needs to come to terms with that part of himself on his own. He doesn't speak.

"Do they even know you're seeing someone?"
      He shakes his head.
"Okay. It's good I guess, because now you don't have to tell them we broke up."

      I bring my lips to his and kiss him one last time. He wraps his arms around me so I won't leave, but he lets go when I pull away from our kiss. I'm lucky he's speechless, because only a word from him could make me regret my decision. I guess he also knows, deep down, that he needs to be on his own for a while. I walk to the door, look back for the last time at Shawn, and close it behind me.

THE END