Vibrant colors of red, orange and yellow smear the sky as if it's on a canvas, trees of all sorts cover the land in green patches. Pinecones cover the path just to be crushed by fourwheelers, bugs start to sing as the birds start to sleep. Laughter fills the empty space making it seem less empty than it already is. After hours of fun and after almost falling off a few cliffs, the smell of a campfire makes my stomach hungry for smores. My family gathers their camping chairs and sits next to the fire as close as they can to my father, my family is covered in mud and some covered in scrapes.Branches crack as sparks of fire dance their way out of the pit. Melted chocolate covers everyone's hands as sticky fingers grab napkins. Happy memories were often made with my father. I loved spending time with my father because I never saw him and when I did, he was usually asleep.
~
After a year and a half, colors of dark red, orange and yellow slowly fades into shades of blues and purples. Fall leading into winter has always had the winds bitter touch, kiss our cheeks. It was alway easy for me to breathe in the clean air I was surrounded by at the farm. Laughter often filled the empty house when my brothers and I waited for my father to come home. My mother told us he would be home soon then she walked off into another room. We decided to go play outside while we waited for my father, I was looking forward to his cooking. Soon it became dark and we were called inside. My father was suppose to be home around six o'clock but instead came home around seven o'clock. My mother was angry at him and had called him every name in the book as he walked through the door. My brothers and I decided to hide in our rooms. Things where said and things were done.Vases were broken and words were spoken that would only tear my family apart. My father, the man I looked up to for so many years left and I was left with feeling completely empty. My father was suppose to protect my brothers and I from the harsh reality we were about to face.
~
It was cold outside but it was even colder inside the house. My mother wouldn't look at my brothers and I. It hurt knowing she wouldn't look at us, but what hurt the most was she forced my Dad to leave. She told us that he believed we didn't deserve a christmas but we realized she was just taking her anger out on us kids because she needed to blame someone. After a few weeks of my mother not looking at us kids the first snowfall occurred. We worried about how we were going to make it through the winter without any food or heat. The heat was shut off but us kids always enjoyed spending the night in the living room together. My mother often hallucinated telling us kids that termites were going to destroy this house which caused us to panic. People often pitied my brothers and I because they believed every lie my mother told them. Right before Thanksgiving we heard a knock at the door, my brothers and I ran to the door hoping it was our father, instead it was strangers giving us a brown box with a turkey. I felt empty knowing I had nothing to be thankful for that year. After awhile we moved in with complete strangers.
~
Snow fell as we moved into a strangers home, snow melted as soon as we carried everything up the stairs. My brothers and I were tired of my mother yelling at us for trying to be kids. Often we would cry ourselves to sleep. We missed our friends and we missed our father. We weren't allowed to say the word dad without getting slapped or yelled at. When Christmas came around the following week we didn't expect anything because we knew we weren't good enough for our own mother. My mother had gotten each of us a prepaid phone and had told us to call her if there was an emergency. I had high hopes of trying to reach out to our father. I remembered that I didn't know his number and I was crushed. We had gotten use to living with another family and established our chores, one of my chores was to help cook in the kitchen and wash the dishes. As I was helping cook dinner my mother staggered into the kitchen demanding to see my phone, I refused to let her see it because she had been drinking. She grabbed my throat and demanded multiple times, I refused. I refused to let her know that I was trying to reach out to our father so he could come save my brothers and I. I began crying and noticed my younger brother pushed my mother off of me. As soon as she got back up she pushed him down the stairs causing him to fall down two flights of stairs. She turned to me and slapped me telling me I was the worst mistake of her life. I bit my tongue from speaking out against her knowing she would harm me even more. That night, dinner had no flavor, the only thing I could taste was the blood in my mouth.
~
After moving several times more my brothers and I were sent to our grandmothers in hopes that my mother would find us a stable place to live so we could attend school and focus on our grades. After months of not hearing from her she finally called telling us that she found a place to stay, but little did we know it was with a complete stranger.Stars glowed into the night sky as a camp fire lit up the backyard, laughter echoed off the house like an empty canvas. New people caused me to become anxious about living with complete strangers again. I was angry because my mother decided to move into her new boyfriend's house instead of spend time with me and my brothers. I never saw my mother and when I did she was never sober. The smell of wet dogs covered the house making me gag as I moved into my new room. A few months went by and the anger faded as I focused on my school work. I used school to my advantage because it kept me away from the house. Often my mother would fight with her boyfriend about his drinking problems. Little did she know, she wasn't better than any one of them. She drank every chance she could. "I'm a bad mother and I know, and I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for being a bad mother, if I had the chance I would end my life" she often would say while she was drunk. When she cried it was for attention, she only cried tears of sympathy only leaving me feeling numb to the situation she put us kids through.
~
Her drinking got worse just like her relationship with us kids. A few years passed as her drinking got worse. Her relationship with me and my brothers was then non-existent. I was finally turning 16 and was extremely excited knowing I was the birthday girl. I've never really been able to have a birthday party, but I desperately wanted one for my 16th birthday. Unfortunately I had school I had to attend to before I could celebrate. When I got home from school I could see orange juice and vodka on the counter and could hear my mother crying as usual. She had broken up with her recent boyfriend, I went to go check on her just to find her ex boyfriend (the one we use to live with) comforting her. My mother didn't make a cake, didn't even acknowledge that her only daughter turned 16. I back away from the screen door and hear them read the text messages her and her new ex sent each other. After awhile I sat in my room crying because today was suppose to be about me. All I wanted was to have a birthday party with my friends. She began fighting with her old ex boyfriend and ended up kicking him out, a few moments later you could smell the blood. Blood covered the sink and the entire bathroom. "I'm a bad mother, I know. I wish I could just die" she repeated a few times.
~
I was more focused on school than anything else because my homelife was crashing down all around me. Summer break came and went. I was excited to start my senior year with my friends and was ready to graduate and be free from waking up at five thirty in the morning. On August 11, I woke up to screaming and the sounds of crying. "How could you do this to me" I heard, knowing it was my mother's voice.I jumped up worried about what my brother was witnessing. As I opened the door the hallway smelled of blood. My mother was drunk and didn't know how to control herself when she was upset. Her husband had a relapse which caused her to have a relapse. My mother tried jumping off the balcony, it took all my strength to keep her inside the apartment. Later, a few cops showed up and took her away. I felt no sympathy for the mother I once knew, I only felt anger. On August 12 the state came in and questioned my family as a group and then questioned us individually. My mother had lied to the state and had stated she was 47 days clean, after I told the state the truth I was removed from the home. I left with nothing but I knew things could be replaced. I was only 17 but I felt like I had lived a lifetime's experience.
