too loud, so quiet

too loud, so quiet (pt 1)

Joana had been restless all day, unable to focus, unsteady, every word she had heard that day had been difficult to process, and she had been trying so hard to focus that she finished the school day feeling lightheaded.

The day had gone by in a blur and she knew that Cris had picked up on it from the way she kept touching her arm all the time and from all the quick, gentle, smiles that she had been giving her all day, quietly reminding her that she's strong. They had experienced some crisis together already, and Joana was thankful that her girlfriend was giving her the space she needed without her having to ask her for it, because, even though she really wanted to be able to tell her what was going it, she wasn't sure herself, she needed to let it unfold first before worrying Cris, it could very well be nothing and she didn't want to upset the girl for no reason.

Once they had left school, Cris insisted on accompanying her to her house, Joana had resisted at first because their trains back home weren't the same ones and she didn't want Cris to get in trouble with her mom, but the way she had said her name, so softly, "Joana, please," had given her no other option but to agree. During the ride, Joana kept biting her nails and bouncing her feet, her mind racing faster and faster as the lights passed them by from outside their train. She noticed a guy looking at her from the other end of their section and her heart started racing too.

Why was he looking at her? Did he know her? Did he know what she was feeling? Did he know Cris? Was he staring at Cris? Where they in danger? What if-

Suddenly, Cris took her hand and intertwined their fingers, she touched her cheek with her free hand and gave her one of her airpods, Joana didn't know the song, but it was calm and the person singing had a soothing voice, it made her breathing slow down a little, and when Cris rested her head on her shoulder, she almost got her heart beating back to normal, she almost made her mind stop racing... almost.

They said goodbye at the entrance of her house and Cris made Joana pinky promise to call her or text her if anything happened, for any reason, as small as she thought it could be, Cris asked her to let her know. So, Joana promised, waited for the blonde girl to walk away to let go of the breath she was holding and, shakily, opened the door to her own house.

"Joana"

"Everything's fine, mom."

Joana ran to her room, closed the door and slid downwards with her back against it.

That was 3 hours ago and Joana is still pacing in her bedroom, biting her nails and pulling at her sleeves. She has yelled at her mom to go away 5 times and to leave her alone 7, she has tried calling Cris 10 times and she has tried texting her at least 20 times, but each time her doubts have stopped her because even though she, rationally, knows she's not a burden there's still that voice booming in the back of her head telling her that she is, and it keeps getting louder, and louder, and louder until she feels the urge to scream. So, she grabs her jacket and her phone and goes out of her room.

She's almost at the front door when her mom calls out to her.

"Joana, where do you think you're going?"

"Out."

"Don't even think about that, Joana. You've been locked in your room all day long without saying a word or eating. You're not going anywhere."

And that was it, the last straw, Joana felt it and there was nothing she could do about it.

"Right, because I'm sick and I can't take care of myself. Right? I'm just your poor little messed up daughter that's always a high risk profile who can't have a bad day because she will lose it. Right, mom!?"

"Joana, calm down, you know that is not true."

Joana could see how her mother changed, she was on high alert, red flags all over, she was walking towards her slowly, calculating every step, her hands raised, her tone careful. It pissed her off even more.

"Stop being like that! I am not going to break, I know you think I'm nothing but a time bomb and that I will, innevitably, crash and burn one day!"

"Joana..."

"I know that's what you think of me, okay? I'm sorry for being like this, I didn't ask to be like this and you didn't ask for such a problematic daughter. I should just leave and unburden you once and for all!!"

She turned around and opened the door but turned to her mom one more time, her heart pounding and her heart racing, she spoke and didn't recognice her own voice.

"And don't you dare call Cris, mom, she's the one that deserves all of this the least."

She walked outside and slammed the door behind her.