Reconquering Me

Rooh woke up to the sound of her alarm. Half asleep, she switched it off. She thought of getting out of bed, but then a thought crossed her  mind: to do what? She lay on her bed for a long time, turned with whatever ability she had left. Yet another day had dawned on her without her wanting to live it. Life had lost all meaning, it was pointless. After a long time, she put on her glasses and helped herself into her wheel chair. Not one day had passed since the accident that she hadn’t loathed herself. Her first actions of the day were a constant reminder of her miserable life.

She wheeled herself towards the wash basin and looked up at her own reflection, yet another reminder of how much life had changed for the worse. For a moment, she simply stared. A girl with a scarred face looked back at her. They had destroyed most of her once beautiful face. 

It all started when Rooh had gotten into her car the previous weekend. She had just fought with her friend and wanted to clear her mind. So she decided to get onto the highway and drive off her anger. Rooh became so engrossed in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice her speed or the truck that was approaching her. It all happened in a fraction of a second. The truck hit her and she got buried under the debris of her car. Rooh did not remember anything that happened after that. She remembered waking up in the hospital with half a leg gone and a face full of scars. For some reason, her vision had lowered considerably.

Rooh had been the most beautiful and charming person at every gathering. She was proud of her looks, they were her identity. She was the epitome of elegance. Everybody was drawn by her personality, her way of negotiating through a deal in multiple global languages and how she could handle any situation with utmost ease. She was a notable figure amongst the people she knew and was a model figure for many.

The accident ripped her of herself.

Ever since the accident, she had refused to go out of the house. She couldn’t come to terms with herself yet. She hated herself with all her heart. Why had she gone for a drive like that, she asked herself. She hated herself for making wrong decisions. The once confident person who could decide things with utmost precision was now in a total state of confusion, madness.
She looked back at the mirror, at her scars and her skin. All the former beauty was gone. She touched her ugly face. Her wrists were all tied up in bandage by the psychologist who visited regularly. Unable to live with herself, she had tried every possible thing that could get her soul out of her unacceptable body.

The psychologist was helping. She told her to try to accept herself. But only Rooh knew the shame she would have to face in the outside world. How her haters would mock her, how whispers would follow her wherever she went. The people were hard on her. The psychologist said she was harder on her own self.

Ever since she had started visiting Rooh, things were shifting in her. The first few sessions made her want to become normal, something she had never intended to be all her life. Right from day one, she had given Rooh a cassette carrying two songs.

'What do I do with them?', she had asked her psychologist.
‘Listen to them when you feel like it. Trust me, that day won’t be long away.’ she had said. Rooh was too depressed to notice the assurance in her voice.

Manda, the psychologist was a very understanding woman. She understood the person Rooh was and the person Rooh had become. She could also understand why her current condition bothered her as it did. Every day, when she talked to her, she told her to socialize with people she knew. But surprisingly, none of Rooh’s colleagues had visited her, or even called her. She kept telling her to love herself, to acknowledge her new self. If she was uncomfortable with it, she could use make up... There were many ways she could make herself look like her old self, Manda had advised.

Today, a tiny part of Rooh was optimistic. She brushed her hair and tied it into a ponytail. Just near her dresser were the cassettes Manda had given her. She had simply tossed them aside when she got them. She went to the stack of cassettes and picked a random one. She put it in her old music player given to her by her mother. Mother? She had completely forgotten the only family she had left. She had to call her up, she decided.

The music started. According to the cover, the first song was ‘Love Myself’ by BTS. A Korean song... The song started. She closed her eyes, determined to understand the full meaning of what they were singing. She got engrossed in the song. Each note of music instigated memories of the past few days. But surprisingly, she didn’t tear up.

Let’s admit it; the standards I made are stricter for me

Is this true? Am I doing this to myself?
Do I feel that I have it the hardest among all the handicaps in this world?
No. I am merely a new addition to the list.

Our lives are long; trust yourself when in a maze

Life is a maze. I am simply at a part where I cannot get the right way out. The maze is yet to be solved.

From the eyes of the cold night I try to hide myself

Her own face flashed before her eyes. She saw her expression: pure disgust. All I have done till now is run. I have only saved me from myself.  It’s time I embrace myself.

Maybe I fell in order to take the place of those countless stars

A tiny flame of hope burned in her. Is it possible? Can all this have happened to give me something greater? Am I delaying my place among the stars by hiding from myself? Is there something greater in store for me? Is this my bad start to something marvelous?

The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow
With no exceptions, it’s all me

That is true, I am sure. I may have lost my leg and my beauty, but I am the same me I was weeks ago. What is in me is still the same. I can negotiate, I can decide. I still am the same confident me only without my pretty face. I am who I am with all my faults and my mistakes.

With each line she gained more confidence.

I’m not afraid because it’s me

She turned to the mirror. A young girl looked at her. But now, in this moment, Rooh couldn’t see the scars. All she could see was her old self beneath her scars. I still am beautiful. Yes, I have that beauty!

Even all the scars from your mistakes make your constellation

Yes, it was a mistake. A mistake she hadn’t forgiven herself for committing. But now, she felt a bit lighter. My scars will be a proof of what I have experienced, a proof of how I lived through misery. They will be a milestone in my life. I shall be proud of myself.

I’m looking for myself again
But I don’t wanna die anymore

These lines resonated with what she felt right then. The song had indeed helped her a lot. It had made her want to bounce back to her old self. I want to live. Life! Wait for me! Let me come with you!

Then she did what she had never done. She smiled. The girl in the mirror smiled as well. It was simply marvelous. The old Rooh was back, ready for action!

She looked around her room and realized that everything in it was a depressing thing. She collected everything that reminded her of the old days and put it into a big bag. She smiled. She was already loving the new side of herself. I don’t care what the others are going to say. I belong to me only and nobody gets a say in me.

However, she noticed she looked shabby. She pulled out her best dress from her cupboard and went into the bathroom to get ready. She was getting out of the house.

After a quick bath, she was near the dresser again. She took out her make- up kit and applied it on her face. When she was ready, she took a match box from the kitchen and the bagful of items she had collected from her room. I’m never gonna see them again.

Rooh opened the front door and wheeled into the world she loved.