I am a leader.
I lead. I lead other people to what they should do. That's my job.
I work as a branch manager of coffee shop. Some says I am successful at very young age. I've already reached my dream of being a manager.
But sometimes when deep thoughts conquer my mind, I wonder. I wonder of what I am if I am not who I am now. I wondered what if I did not do well at school. What if I did not pursued work? What if I did not prioritize my career, will I be married now like some of my friends?
Well, enough of the 'what ifs'. I've always believed that those 'what ifs' will stay 'what ifs' until the day we die. What ifs aren't really important, what important is our 'what's now'.
It's been a while since I last felt infatuated. I almost forget the feeling of having chills. Though I am glad I am feeling it again now.
It started on that day. That day when a friend of mine introduced us. My friend led me to him.
"Friend!" I heard Daisy shouting from the entrance of the shop. "Cynth, you need to come with me!"
"Huh? Where? You know I can't leave yet, Daisy. My out's still at four."
"You won't leave the shop. Just give a minute. There. At the table outside." I peeked at where she pointed and noticed her boyfriend sitting there with someone, unfamiliar to me.
"That's very unprofessional, you know." I noted. "What would my employees say, if they see their manager just sitting around at work?"
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind, Cynth. Besides, it's not like you're a lazy manager. I think it would even be your first time to sit at the tables at work hours."
"I really shouldn't be just sitting around at work hours!"
"I know, I know, Ms. Manager. Geez. But it wouldn't hurt if you know there aren't really a lot of customers, except us. Right? And I am sure they'll understand. My goodness, Cynth! Don't treat yourself like a robot! You're a human! Everyone knows that. I am sure your employees care for your welfare as well."
I just sighed at her persistence. "Fine, fine. Enough. Wait for me outside. I'll bring you snacks there."
I know what Daisy is doing. She's one of those friends that will do everything they can to provide everything you need, or want they think you need.
She's making a way for that guy and me. I don't even know where that guy came from but a try wouldn't hurt, right?
"Cynth, this is Marco, he's Hiro's cousin from abroad." Daisy introduced after I put the snacks at the table.
I smiled at the guy. "Cynth, Cynth Ladaga. It's nice to meet you." I wiped my hands at the back of my pants before reaching for his hand that is already in front of me.
"Marco Castro."
"I'm sorry, you caught me while I am at work." I apologize. How appropriate of my friend to set me up with his boyfriend's cousin in my managerial uniform.
"It's not a problem. I hope I am not disturbing you."
I can still it remember clearly. It feels like it just happened recently.
Since that day, he got my number and we became phonepals. We meet once in a while. He fetches me from work to home. We celebrated that date we first met, every month. I feel like we're together. I felt like we are at the point of having a serious relationship. But I forgot one thing. I forgot he never confessed he loved me.
Everything between us was unclear. He never said what he felt for me clearly. My feelings for him are crystal clear. At a small span of time, everything that's happening just felt like a blur. It all made me confused. What are we, really?
Are we on the same wavelength? Are we on the same page?
Or did he just lead me on?
I don't know what to feel.
When we're together, it feels like everything seems to fall on the right places. Everything seems just right but there's a gray area. A lot of gray area.
Everything's happening so fast. So fast, that the next thing I know, he's flying home.
"You're leaving." It is not a question. I knew nothing's going to change his mind, not even me. I can see it from the way he looks.
My eyes are already starting to get watery. We just met after I discovered he's going home and these were my first words to him.
"When are you planning to tell me? At the day of your flight? If Hiro didn't slipped and told me you're leaving, when am I going to know? Oh! Wait! Are you even planning to tell me?" I lost it. I poured all my emotions. I can't hold it back anymore.
"Cynth. Of course, I am planning to tell you. I just don't know how."
"Is a text message hard to give? Do you even value what we have? Do you even value me? What am I to you, Marco? Why are you leaving me behind? Did you just lead me on? Come on tell me. For once and for all."
"I did not lead you on. Whatever you say we have, it's you who defined it, not me." I can't believe you, Marco. I defined it because you didn't. If you just defined it from the start then we won't have this mess.
"Bullshit! I cal bullshit on that, Marco! Isn't that leading on!?"
"We both know, I'll be leaving, Cynth! Besides, everything's done, I am leaving."
"I know! But I need answers before you—"
"I am leaving because of you! Isn't that enough?" I got stunned at that. I think even my tears stopped flowing because of what I've heard.
"Because of m-me? How can you say that? I-I never wanted you to leave."
"I know. But I wanted to leave, Cynth. At the times when we're together, I saw your passion towards work, your career. I saw how successful you are. And me? I was a rebel in school. Never seen good. I wanted to be successful, as well."
I never knew he felt this way. Did I make him feel that way?
"I didn't tell you to be good, Marco."
"You didn't need to. I want it for myself. And you inspired me to want it for myself."
I am speechless. I didn't know what to say. Are these answers enough? What do these even mean?
"That's why I am thankful for you. For being an inspiration. And for being a true leader who led me to a brighter path. Thank you, Cynth. I think these answers are enough, don't they?" He asked with a smile. "I'm going to miss you, Cynth. Until I see you again." With that, he turned around and walked away.
Do these answers mean I got lead on or not?
Whatever it means, I'll wait 'til I see him again.
A true leader doesn't always do leading on their team members, most of the times, they inspire. They work as a team not a ladder, making the leader on top carried by the members.
