My Reality (DDLC Monika Fanfiction) ~discontinued~

Chapter 34 - Monster

I put the poem to my side and angrily huff.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This whole thing has turned me into an erratic myself. Just like all of these other girls. Just like Sayori. I too, have turned mentally ill. Maybe not mentally....? Just insane...?

I look back towards Andre and Yuri. Yuri hands him a copy of the book, The Portrait of Markov for them both to read.

Just like before.... I think.

I put my head in my hands. What else am I supposed to do? Andre'll never talk to me. This stupid game never lets him! Little could I know, that maybe he does want to spend time with me, but this game has prohibited him from it. I just want my own ending...this game will never give it to me...

Where Andre and I will be together forever. I know deep down it'll never happen...only if I could make it happen? But how?

I hold the thought as I timidly get out of my seat, cautious to see if anyone'll notice me. I turn to the clubroom door to my right and look back. I see Yuri and Andre exchange final words before Yuri sits down on the floor to read her book. Natsuki searches the closet for her manga. My breathing stutters as Natsuki's eyes meet mine.

"Monika...?" she asks, grimacing, "Where are you going?"

"Oh...um..." I stutter, trying to come up with an excuse, "I...just needed to get something, really quick."

"Oh..." she looks down. "Ok."

"Thanks." I say under my breath.

I run down the hall, trying to see if the game will let me leave. I just know this can't happen...it can't. I can't make it. I won't let it. After running towards nothing the school vanishes into the void...

I look at the computer-esque device behind me. It's time...

I can see Natsuki now, still shuffling through the closet looking for the manga. My heartbeat quickens as I see Andre approaching her.

"You looking for something in there?" Andre asks.

The anger returns as I see Natsuki's next line of dialogue. "Freaking Monika."

"Oh.." I whisper, and roll my eyes.

Of course she'd say that when I wasn't there. Of course. But that doesn't mean the anger vanishes from my body either. The same gross, gruesome feeling I had while fixing my poem rushes back to my body. I angrily tap the keys, somehow unknown letters crossing into the dialogue script. I press the backspace button, removing my horrid outburst from ever crossing into the game. Instead, insanely I write, "fucking monikammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" angrily spamming the "m" key.

I screech, my hand still pressing down the small back down to the floor. What is wrong with me?

I press my shaky hands to my heart, feeling the pounding so severe. I feel frustrated, angry tears prick my eyes and quickly brush them away. I take deep breaths, trying to compose myself. This game's turned me into a monster. I realize. A full-fledged monster. A killer. A murderer. I'm such a horrible person...

But this makes me think of another question: Who was I before this game?

I could barely remember anything right now... but something about that book's title, The Portrait of Markov gives me a weird feeling. It gives me the feeling of before...

I shake out of my thought, looking back at Natsuki and Andre.

"She never puts my stuff back in the right spot!" Natsuki says, "What's the point in keeping your collection organized if someone else is just gonna mess it up?"

Oh, please. I roll my eyes.

I see Natsuki rearrange the organized the closet. The closet that I organized.

"Manga..." she sighs, "You read manga, right?"

"Ah-" Andre says, "...Sometimes... How did you know, anyway?"

"I heard you bring it up at some point." she replies, "Besides, it's kind of written on your face."

"I-I see." he stutters

Andre pulls out a volume of manga from the shelf that I organized.

With Sayori...

No, no, no, no. I don't want to think about Sayori anymore. She's dead. She doesn't exist. I didn't organize that shelf with Sayori... but I have a memory of it. I don't think I did, but something is telling me that I did.

This is so strange...

"Ahh.." I sigh and focus back on the screen.

"There it is!" Natsuki exclaims and pulls the book out of Andre's hand. "Aah, much better! Seeing a box set with one book missing is probably the most irritating sight in the world."

"I know that feel..." Andre's voice trails off as he looks back towards the closet. "Parfait Girls?" he asks, questioning the manga.

"Hmph!" I press my lips together angrily and slam the keys, their smooth interaction making me angry for no apparent reason.

I fracture Natsuki's next line, making it "don't judge a bookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkk kk k
k k k k"

My hands start shaking again, and I am left here, stuck feeling insane. What has this game done to me? What the hell is making me want to slam Natsuki's tiny little pimp body into a wall?

I heavily sigh, and stare back. I am so thankful that no one in the club knows this. I'm thankful that they don't know how I act on the inside. What I want to do to them...

That part makes me sick. I feel tears erupt in my eyes again and sink back to sit on the floor. I want to hurt them so bad... but it's so wrong. I can't stop myself from crying now. I'm crying because of myself. I'm crying in shame. I wipe my tears with my sleeve.

What is wrong with me?