Sad Girl Memoir

Pain

An emotional wreck, shell of a human so many thoughts that I don't even understand. The ones you love the most always hurt you the worst. It's like even when you try your best things never succeed and if you don't try you end up with something you'd never expected.

Why is it so hard?

Why doesn't it make sense?

Why does it cause my brain to hurt but my heart still wants to reach out?

Are you lying to me? Are you really there or was it all just time wasted? Did we come this far for nothing? Did one decision change everything?

Why does it even matter?

Thoughts consume me and I don't know which way to go. I'm running, but from what? Do I even want to know? Is it another dead end? None of this makes sense I don't get it, where did I go wrong? Is it all my fault?

It's hard to breathe and you don't get it. An emotional rollercoaster that I didn't even sign up for. I wasn't ready for the plunge but here we go, brace yourself here comes a big one.

Is this rollercoaster actually my life? Is it some metaphorical version of me that I haven't grasped, wondering if I should keep going or just hop off now.

You don't know what you've done to me it's sad to say but I don't think I could stop loving you either way. Take that step, express your thoughts show your heart but don't cry, feelings never solved anything. Did we let someone get in the way?

Does she know about me? Does she know how much you mean to me? Does she matter? Is this just another pointless expression of words and thoughts that are so jumbled up my brain can't catch up to what my mouth is saying.

Oh shit, I said it, but what did I say?

Was it really that bad?

Why is everything so complicated when all I'm trying to say is "I want you back, no I need you back."

Please help me to find some understanding because without you the little bit of balance I thought I had just came crashing down.

Silence is deafening, look what we started. Burn everything down, this love was never meant to be. But it was so beautiful.

I'm sorry I was wrong I admit I have my flaws and made some mistakes that I'm not proud of. But, really all I'm trying to say is I still love you.