My Thoughts/Journal/Idea Jar

The Evolution

One has to think about this at least once through out their life in one shape or form, and I have done so many times through out my own. From the begginning of this page to this book, and in many ways I don't have an answer. This question has plagued me for awhile, and it's pretty simple.

"Are you happy?"

One could simply say yes and quit reading here, and if that's you than do as you please, but if you're curious or even willing to say the opposite then keep reading. I started writing "The Devil's Part Time Worker" late into my middle school years. I was a kid that saw a friend writing and thought why don't I give it a try, and so I did. I enjoyed it. I wrote whenever I could. Stories that I'd probably wince at because of the story lines being bad or just from the inconsistency of the plot line or something or another. I don't regret writing them at all. I enjoyed writing and it filled me with a good purpose and it made me feel happy to read the comments that you, the reader, had left. I felt connected to the world that I felt so disconnected from.

I think, in a lot of ways, that was a savior of sorts to me. Something that saved me from a spiralling depression. I wrote chapter after chapter and the readers grew and grew. I felt that this was what I wanted. I wanted to write something people enjoyed. Kenta, Kaede, Shoko. They were all pieces of this story I adored writing in.

I went through a bad break up early into high school and I became grief struck. Writing became a pure outlet. I wrote poems of suicide, self harm, hatred beyond belief, jealousy, and love sickness. I wrote in my book too. It helped me disconnect from the world I once wanted to be connected to so desperately only a year prior. I grieved for 2 years or so about this, but I never really gained the "happiness" I once felt back.

I looked up self-help pages and articles, picked up guitar, and even began talking to other girls. Nothing really helped other than music and writing in any form. There are a few readers and fellow writers I reached out to personally to talk about the book when I felt the most vulnerable. I thank those that talked to me.

Happiness was a numb feeling I felt when I wasn't sad. Sadness was the feeling I felt when I was alone, and anxiety was what I felt when I wasn't alone. My problem became one I knew I had to overcome, but wasn't a problem I knew how to overcome. I noticed a pattern in all this. When I was sad, I became creative and wanted to write, sing, play guitar, and do many other creative things. Though when the "happiness" came I was nothing short of stuck in an uncreative mindset.

Now that I'm not as sad as I use to be, I find that I struggle to keep my writing up. I'll go months without updates and I'm very sorry for this. I apologize deeply. I care about all my dedicated readers, and I'm always open to talk. Most probably won't be reading this, but if you're still here, I'm deeply saddened by my inability to produce more material. I feel I've let a lot of you down, and it makes me angry with myself. I'll update soon regardless of who reads this and who doesn't. I miss the fan base that I accumulated. If you're wondering why this book came to be, then let me leave this thought that cane trailing across my mind for you to interpret how ever you see fit.

I find that when I'm the most happy, I'm also the most sad I've ever been.