It was my day. I was finally 12 that year. I woke up with hope in my heart and feeling lightheaded with every step that I took. The chiming sound of my phone's notification indicates the wishes my friends sent to me and I read them, greedy for more.
It's not wrong, right? To seek attention on this very special. To feel special, to celebrate it with those who helped me through my tough times. I got myself ready and tied my hair up in a tidy ponytail. Double-check my books and straighten out my wrinkled school uniform.
But before I could reach the bottom of the stairs, that's when I heard it again. Chaos. Arguments. Terror. Hurt.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? Do you know how difficult it is for me?!" Her voice raised, stalking him as he frustratedly pack his work bag and put on his shoes.
"I needed space! I'm stressing myself!" He shouted back. I became quiet. I stopped halfway down the stairs, suddenly afraid to reach the end of it. Suddenly afraid to even go to school.
And coincidently my special day today.
"You chose me, didn't you? Why can't you be responsible for once in this marriage? I'm exhausted trying to keep everything afloat while you keep going out, drinking your damn problems away!" Her voice became increasingly loud. My heart was pounding, my ears were ringing, and my eyes were watery.
Why am I even here?
I need to move and reach the end of the stairs. I need to go to school. I need this education despite ... all this. With my eyes shut, I took a deep breath, chanted some self-defence mantras and walk down. I thought it would all be over when I arrived. I thought they would stop and act like everything was fine.
But no. It became worse. I quietly ate my breakfast, even though I only ate one spoon of porridge. I wasn't hungry, nor thirsty. Without words, I went over to the shoe rack, grab my school shoes and put it on. Even through all that, they were still arguing.
"You didn't even care about anything that's happening at home. I'm fed up with your attitude and the way you treat me!" She choked on that sentence. She was on the verge of crying. So was he.
So was I.
I put on my poker face. I held back my tears, sadness, and frustration. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I didn't like showing my emotions to them at times like this. This wasn't the first time that it happen. It happened for quite some time now, and it kinda haunts me sometimes.
He was silent. He wordlessly ate his breakfast, sip on his coffee and immediately went out the door. I too, followed him from behind as I took my place in the back seat of the car.
"Avia's hurting too, you know? Those late-night banging on the door, broken glasses and ceramics on the floor -- don't you have any idea how that would make her feel?!"
She included my name in her sentence. I immediately felt uncomfortable. Can I just get out of here?
He and I are already outside the gate. He went out to close and lock the gate. She was on the other side of it, still shouting at him. What she said after that, got me speechless. Got me questioning my existence. Got me numb.
"You chose me as your wife, but you never really treat me like one! So why? Why did you even choose me before?"
My heart dropped. From the rearview mirror, I could see tears flowing out of his weary eyes. He quickly wiped it off, to make sure I didn't see that.
Unfortunately, I did. Clearly.
The drive to school was too intense that day. No radio, no simple conversation. Just silence. I look out the window, my brain buzzing with stupid possibilities about how this will end. The special day that I once fantasised about in my brain has vanished. As I reached the front gate of my school, I walked toward the stairs to my class.
I wasn't thinking straight. I was finally 12 that year. The moment I reached my table, I just sat there, trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened. When I thought that everything would suck, I suddenly hear singing.
Voices cheerfully singing a birthday song, and it became gradually loud and near. As I look to my left, there they were. That's when reality sunk in. The tears that I held back, the frustration I kept bottled up since a few hours ago -- just exploded.
My tears wouldn't stop flowing, my heart wouldn't stop hurting. Confused, they hugged me. Their embrace, their warmth, their love -- I couldn't get enough of it. I was craving it so bad.
A few moments later, my boyfriend at that time came up to me and said those three words I needed to hear. It might too childish now but at that time, that day, that year, I needed it.
