It's been a few months since I've been with my boyfriend.. It's felt like years, each month, each day, each minute giving me something new that I could learn through him. He would throw all-nighters despite our six-hour difference, he makes time to speak to me throughout the day, he used to watch random-ass youtube videos with me and play games that were so childish but were my peak entertainment. He used to be able to truly be my companion, my partner in crime, my... boyfriend. He still is my boyfriend now, and God I can't express enough how beautiful he is. But can he really say the same for me? I know it's mainstream of boys to not have feelings from oldheads but my lover think of me the same I think for him? I have cathedrals built in my fantasy dedicated to my love, my pride, and my excitement for him to help me finish this life thing. Does he even think about how great it's going to be to grow with one another? Does he ever think about the way I smile or the way I talk and truly think that I'm the one that's worth the blessing? I don't ever express these emotions, God no. They're too selfish. He went out of his way some nights to speak to me, he stayed up late on nights where he needed to go to sleep for school, he protected me from the onslaughter of roasts from his friend boys the first time they met me. He did so much that was completely out of his way just to speak to me and show me that he loved me and I think that just because he's busy he doesn't love me. Isn't that just evil of myself? I understand how frustrating it is for someone to believe you don't love them, especially when you've done everything you could. It feels like you have failed at being a lover. It's shameful and embarrassing when the one you believe will be your fiance questions your care, your love, your sincerity, and your faith in this relationship. I don't like making my boyfriend feel that way at all. But recently he has been busy. Everywhere, any time I imagine the word "BUSY" in bold red imprinted on his forehead. I see his 'remorsful' face was shifting his body to go into a shrug, indicating that he was sorry. And of course, I won't argue with that. I've been warned that he will get busy as the year goes on. "BUSY". I get bad anxiety when I feel as though a relationship of any kind seems deteriorating and I can't do anything to control it. I guess you would call it an abandonment issue. Any simple sign such as, not speaking for hours, irrelevant and meaningless conversations, feeling as though there is no connection from the giver to receiver, throws me into a frenzy, and I am lost inside of the crumbling cathedrals in my mind.
One day, my thoughts were running in and out my mind as the day proceeded to past. "BUSY". That sat in my head as the minutes tick kept tick moving tick through tick the thi
The girl tensed her finger around her pencil as irritation ached her temples. With swift movements, she gently pushed the button and leaned the clock onto its face on the table. The room fell with an unsettling quietness. Barely taking a moment to let the shiver settle in her spine, she continued writing in the brown, embroidered notebook.
That sat in my head as the minutes kept moving through the thin air. Recently I have been wondering what it would be like if I ask if he truly loved me one more time? I wonder if that will be the final straw to where he is so irritated and upset that he takes ready on the curtain. The final act of the performance that was his facade of undying love. Of course, it wouldn't so extreme and immediate but, built up. Pent up annoyance and boredom as those months that felt like years and the minutes that felt like days to me were a joy but to him soon came to be dreadful. I know that it's really just my anxiety making is so dramatic and exaggerated but sometimes when you have a roommate for so long, they kind of start rubbing off on you. She becomes close and tells me that I'm not wanted in my friendships and leaves me to ponder in a wave of my depression if I am truly even thought of? ... I'm going to find out.
The pencil falls from her hand and before she even gets to protest and reject her idea, her body was practically floating towards her phone. Already Unlocked. Already opened the phone app. Already hovering her thumb over his contact name. "BUSY". A final reminder that he is just busy, he can not be there to be your shield at any moment of the day. A final reminder that dependency isn't required to live a good life and that independence is the true foundation.
2:48
9/20/19
"Hey, what are you up to babe?" Her voice taking a heavier tone.
"Not a lot, what about you?"
"Same, I'm just chilling here I guess. How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay, how about you?"
"That's good, I'm glad you're fine." She rolls her eyes slightly, already seeing that the conversation would quickly be led to an awkward silence as that was her specialty, "Hey, I think I have a question."
Her voice decrescendoed to a low mumble as the sentence came to an end as if she was deciding one last time to really take the hassle of backlash.
"What is it baby?" the phone filled her ears with the sound of rustling. the other end having moved their position to a comfier spot, less distracting spot.
"Well, I was wondering if tomorrow night if you'd like to stay up and play some Minecraft since it's a Saturday night? You won't have work in the morning.."
"I can't," Her face immediately fell beyond upset, "I have work to do tomorrow."
"Doing what?" The tone was more aggressive, it had a sweet twang of poison attached to the tip as it spat out her mouth. Immediately, the other end scoffs and shuffles once again.
"Doing work. Don't start that attitude with me, it is late and I am tired."
"You're always doing work, I miss you dude. I miss you being able to talk to me all the time. It felt like you were always on the effort to make more time for me an--"
"Because I didn't have as much to do, I didn't care at that moment where school was going for me. I didn't really even have anything going. I don't have time for you to be getting passive-aggressive with me because I physically can't find more time to talk with you more than I already do. Everything is going to shit and I am just tired. Believe me, I miss you too, I want to talk to you. But I am busy."
Silence.
"Hello?" He sounded annoyed, being as nice as he can be but very, very annoyed in his tone.
"I'm here. I'm so--"
"How about we take a break?"
Her heart disappeared into the nothingness that was now her body. Her mind flushed into a black hole as she became light-headed and immediately cold from the roommate's friend, Panic, watching behind her doors.
"Do what?" The noise threw itself up from her mouth in the most delicate way. The power in his words twisting around her disassociated body.
"Let's take a break. I think this relationship is stressing the both of us out, I, for personal reasons can not deal with this right now in the way that it needs to be dealt with. I also believe we both just need space to really get our outside lives together, okay?"
With her mouth agape, her eyebrows curved toward her hairline, and her eyes cursedly stared infinitely into the surrounding darkness that moved like a centipede to swallow her existence, she formed her lips into a smile and whispered through blurry vision and dry throat,
"Okay."
