Worlds Most Terrible Fan Fictions

Valkyrie and the evil eye liner!

Authors Note - after I put up one of the last chapters, Evermore_360 asked about bad skulduggery pleasant fanfictions... God I really wish that I hadn't searched them....

A review of the following?...... *face melts*

ENJOY!

Ok, author note thing: This is not a one shot, there will be more, but I only write if I get reviews so I know people are actually reading it. Enjoy

chapter 1: reasoning with Valkyrie

Valkyrie leant over and kissed Fletcher. "Hey Val, I've been thinking," Fletcher said once Valkyrie pulled away. He gazed up at her adoringly. "Oh no, gasp of horror! Fletcher....thinking-" Valkyrie's eyes widened in terror.

"No, calm down.. I mean yes.. but-"

"So, what is it?"

"There's this competition coming up and, well, I think it's perfect for you."

"What type of competition?" Valkyrie asked.

"...um...well, your going to love this... cat walk-thing-beauty comp-"

"What! No! Defiantly not!"

"Hey, well you know how I'm Fletcher right,"

"We've already been through this Fletcher..."

"...and you cant hold me responsible for anything I've said or done or going to say or do..."

"What the #%& did you do?"

"Signed you up already!" and with that Fletcher knew his life was in danger, he was up and out of the room, launching himself up from his spot by Valkyrie's chair and through the door, closing it and locking it behind him. "She's not wearing her ring," thought Fletcher "this will hold her/ keep her from murdering me," Skulduggery waddled over to see what was going on.

(A/N: yes Fletcher.... A wooden for ought to keep the fire wielding air controlling breaker of doors safe!...)

"Doors are for people with no imagination!" Valkyrie shouted from the other side of the door. A war cry cloud be heard, followed by, "I'm coming Doby!," and then a loud THUMP as Valkyrie collided with the wall, and then a smaller thump as she fell back on to the floor. Then it was quiet.

"This is hilarious!" Skulduggery laughed, "I'm calling Tanith!"

"Val!" Fletcher screamed, unlocking the door and running in. He found Valkyrie lying next to the window, completely unconscious. He leant down over her, fussing and checking if she was ok. Skulduggery follow Fletcher in chatting away on his mobile to Tanith.

"Yeah, you wont believe this, guess who I have laying in front of me, half dead and entered in a beauty contest." That type of high pitched yabbering you hear on the other end of the phone in a movie is what followed. "No, it's not Fletcher," more yabbering. "yeah, ok, see you in five,"

Skulduggery turned to Fletcher and said, "Come on let's tie Valkyrie up so that Tanith can try some hair styles out on her," Fletcher put on his most "Errrr, aren't you missing something" face and gestured at Valkyrie. "Don't worry, it's Valkyrie,"

"That's what worries me,"

Tanith was true to her word and arrived in 5 minutes and the expression on her face when she saw a helpless, unconscious Valkyrie at her mercy could be explained as nothing less then a sick murderer grin like the joker's off Batman.

She pulled out her make up bag and began ruffling through it to pull an eye liner pencil. "What are you going to do?" Fletcher asked feeling scared for Valkyrie.

"Well, we need to try out a couple styles. When is the contest?"

"Tuesday, next week,"

"Were going to need every second.." she lowered herself to Valkyrie's (tied to a chair level) and when the eye liner pencil was just cm's from Valkyries eyes she woke up. Valkyries eyes fluttered open and she jerked back seeing Tanith's face so close to her own. Tanith pulled back to let Fletcher see Valkyrie was awake and just as Valkyrie open her mouth to scream for help Fletcher pressed his lips against hers, she was instantly silenced and momentarily forgot she was tied up.

She leaned into the kiss and Fletcher suddenly pulled back. Valkyrie was left leaning forward, lips pressed together and Tanith took the opportunity and coated Valkyrie's lips in bright red lip stick. And then Valkyrie was more then back in reality, she was mad and you don't want to see Valkyrie when she's mad.

"Hey!" Valkyrie shouted and started tugging and straining against her restraints. Skulduggery started to laugh and leant against the wall for support.

"Stay still!" Tanith warned, "I have a sharp eye liner pencil and I'm not afraid to use it!" and then with a war cry drove the pointed end of the pencil into Valkyrie's arm.

"AAAAARRRRRRRRR, that's not what eye liner is for!" Valkyrie screamed.

"Oh really, then what is it for?" tanith taunted removing the pencil from Valkyrie's arm.

"Come here and I'll show you!" Valkyrie summoned a fireball and began to burn through the ropes tying her hands to the arm rests.

"Oh shit!" Tanith cried realising that if Valkyrie freed herself there would be nothing stopping Valkyrie from attacking her. She turned to run but Valkyrie was up, completely forgetting about her leg restraints and lunging for Tanith in an epic belly flop. Valkyrie's face came one with the carpet.

"Shit val, you all right?" Fletcher's voice seemed distant to Valkyrie as she lay there, recovering and planning her next attack. Fletcher leant down untying her legs. Bad move. As soon as her legs were loose Valkyrie was up and half way through anther murder attempt on Tanith.

Fletcher turned to see Valkyrie holding Tanith in a dangerous head lock. "Val.." Fletcher started but was cut off by skulduggery tearing Valkyrie off Tanith. He held her there, mid air for a moment as Valkyrie swore and punched in a desperate attempt to escape the great skeleton detective. Then Skulduggery dug two of his bony fingers into Valkyrie's neck and she stopped dead.

"Pressure point!" Skulduggery laughed.

"Skulduggery!" Fletcher yelled, "Put her down!"

"So that she can kill Tanith?" Skulduggery asked.

"No, don't put her down!" Tanith butted in.

"OK, I'll put her down," Skulduggery decided.

"Only Narnia can save me now!" Tanith cried running to the wardrobe.

"You'd better hope so!" Valkyrie screamed running after Tanith. Tanith face planted into the wardrobe. Valkyrie scoped up Tanith's legs and shoved her further in and then slammed the door. Tanith remand quiet, thankful that Valkyrie had left it at locking her in the wardrobe.

Fletcher started his attempt art calming Valkyrie. "You all right in there, Tanith?" Skulduggery asked, pressing his skull to the wardrobe door. "Hello Mr Tommnes, how are you? The white queen being good to you?" Skulduggery was about to suggest to the others that Valkyrie had Brocken Tanith when he heard: "Yeah, life's been pretty crap as per usual," in a voice way too deep to be Tanith's.

"There's something freaky going on in there," Skulduggery said, gesturing at the wardrobe with his thumb over his shoulder. "Of coarse there is, Tanith is in there!" Valkyrie replies.

"It's OK babe," Fletcher comforted her.

"you can talk, you're the one that fricken signed me up for this!"

"Yeah, well... I didn't stab you with an eye liner pencil!"

"Yeah, you got Tanith to!"

"Actually, that was all her, I had nothing to do with the stabbing bit. Anyway have you changed your mind yet about going to the contest?"

"No,"

"Too bad, So sad, your going,"

Authors Note - AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!