My Miscarriage

Some days seem like a fog, like there is a film over my eyes. Nothing is clear. Those days I feel alright, that my pounding ache has been veiled. Other days are crisp with the truth, with the sorrow of my loss. Reminders surround me, envelope me. Children, infants, woman caressing their ever growing bellies. My whole life I would dream of the day I would become a mother. I thought my time finally came but my miracle was taken from me. Many times I blame myself, mulling over the things I could have done differently. A gaping whole devours happiness. Why is it that woman who shouldn't be mother's are lucky enough to have a healthy child? Why is it that woman get abortions, throw their miracle away? These things horrify me because I appreciate life and yet I was not able to carry it. Jealousy stirs in me, making me miserable. I think about how far along I would be, how much my baby has grown... but it hasn't, it has left me, waiting to be born again into a new life. I cannot explain my feelings as well as I would like. I wish I could spit these words out and be done with this stabbing that targets my heart. It cannot be expressed. It lingers in me, weighing my tongue down so that I will not speak it out of my heart. This is a complicated pain, I have been heartbroken before, but this is beyond that of heartbreak. In the beginning I could not grasp it. I knew I had a miscarriage but it didn't affect me as it does now. It was a small crack and as the days and weeks passed, more cracks branched off, reaching to every corner of my heart. The only thing keeping this shattered heart together is my loving husband, he somehow managers to keep it suspended so that the pieces don't fall into an unsolvable puzzle. In such tragic times I can still feel lucky to have someone who will always hold me together, who will love me despite my inability to carry that child. So, for now, I stay suspended.