My heart beats so fast it sounds like a train racing down the railroad tracks.
But it’s not loud enough,
I can still hear things that no one else can,
I hear his whispers telling me to hush.
I hear the blood that used to flow out from my hips.
I hear raised voices that threw around words like bombs outside my door.
I hear their words underneath their breaths as I walk by.
I hear the calls from the shadows that no one else sees.
I hear my guilt spilling over.
I hear their worries, their fears for my future.
And I want to tell all of them that I am trying so hard.
I mean can’t you tell?
Don’t you see that I’m still here, fighting every single day.
I haven’t given up completely because there are still things in this life that I love more than you’ll Ever understand.
Things that I love so much that I’m willing to face what seems like death every single day
Just so that I can continue to do them.
I am not letting this control me.
My tears, puffy red eyes, nail marks down my arms, my paperclip in my pocket, rubberband on My Wrist.
These are all signs that I am fighting. These are my armor, my sword and shield, my Ammunition.
My gear for each attack, because that’s what they are.
They are called panic attacks for a reason.
I hear you when you tell me to simply forget the past, get over it.
But you never seem to hear me when I say that it’s not just that simple.
Everyday by brain plays clips of my past.
I relive moments that I shouldn’t even be alive to tell you about,
I watch myself in scenes so horrific when you see scenes like this on the tv you flip them off.
But my mind isn’t some T.V.
I don’t simply have a remote that can turn it all off or change the channel.
I am a human being just like all of you.
I too had to be slapped on the ass at birth.
Needed a kiss for every scraped knee.
I’m not bionic or some shit,
So don’t tell me “Just forget.”
It doesn’t work that way.
If I tell you about it please don’t just send me away,
I’m just having a bad day.
I won’t ask for much
I just need a hug.
All I need is a hug
My heart is so cold
I could use a little warmth.
My insides are so shattered,
I could use a little help holding them all together,
For a moment your embrace will lighten my face.
My heart will still race,
Sounding louder than a train on its tracks.
When I hug you and you hug back tighter I no longer need to be the fighter.
For that moment I’m free the weight is lifted and I’ve been given a break.
Once that moment is over I’ll go back to fighting
I’ll look back at that moment, that hug, that break.
I’ll remember that feeling and I will look forward to the next one.
Because those are the moments that keep me going.
