Not An Invitation

Innuendos

    How do you explain to someone that the reason your pushing them away is because your afraid of them leaving you so you'd rather leave them even if it hurts you. That as a habit or maybe a way to protect yourself you hurt yourself? I often feel as if I'm not deserving of love, that me and love just aren't compatible. Whenever someone loves me or claims to I always end up getting hurt and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of feeling like an object to be obtained, I'm tired of all the sex talk and lustful looks and hidden innuendos. The late night text as if I'm not deserving of texts at earlier times and for reasons other than fucking, from guys especially who haven't earned it. Guys who haven't complemented me, seen me on a bad day and thought I still looked beautiful. Seen me dolled up and think "wow, I didn't think she could get even more beautiful than before". To force me to allow them to buy me something, anything because for some reason I'm so hell bent on not allowing guys to spend money on me. Taken me on dates and put forth effort. I'm so tired of these boys, men, males feeling that I'm not deserving of being treated like the queen that I am, trying to downgrade me but getting upset when I say "niggas ain't shit" and mean it with every fiber in my body because every one of them, haven't showed me other wise haven't proven me wrong.

Now I know this might sound like I'm depressed and that might be the case, or it might be because I've had my heart broken and each time I start to mend it and put it back together someone comes along and shatters all my work making my efforts null,void. It's like a thousand piece puzzle with pieces going missing every time the puzzle gets undone it gets harder and harder to complete and the missing areas start getting to big to ignore or patch up. I've unloaded a lot in just a few short moments so let me backtrack and introduce myself, I'm Rae. I am your average girl, there isn't anything really special about me and what happened to me and what I went through wasn't really something that was unheard of but it was something that changed me entirely and sent me down a rabbits hole.

I'm gonna tell you about my first heartbreak and what it led to. Don't think this is one 0f those sad sappy stories, it has its moments like every story this is just my version.