All I Ever Wanted

This is dedicated to anyone who, like me, has their happiness depend on their grades, You are better than the mark on your paper and I hope that if you cannot be free of the curse that binds us, you should at very least get the highest grades in your class. At least that way, you will know happiness. May you never fail; Amen.

Grades: if you can't beat them, thank the Lord you aren't me.

As I sit down and turn the exam over, my heart starts to speed up. It gets harder to breathe. I look at you from across the room. You don't look at me of course, you're too busy scouring the paper for that. I can't help but smile. I wonder what marks we got this time! You always get straight As. I always get either a B or an A*. Our families were always pitting us against each other but we didn't mind. We were friends and enjoyed each others' company. That's why we were always comparing answers. But I don't think it had ever occured to you that this was more than a game.

It's hard to explain, but I had never been a happy child. Well, that's not true. I was happy when I was still the smartest girl in the class. I got the high marks. I got the approval. I would laugh and read all day, until you came. You, with your flawless smile. You, with your perfect body. You, with your kindness and innocence and no idea of how jealous I was. Of how jealous I still sometimes am.

But that douldn't matter anymore! This is it, the big one. The end of year exam. To get the highest mark in this was to be the best! To win trophies! Everyone everywhere and all over the school would love you. The other children would finally tteat me like an equal, like their friend. My family would finally stop telling mew to achieve higher. I would finally be at peace when we compared answers for the last time. There was no way I couldn't win. I'd been studying for the whole year. I had to win.

I flick through my paper, not reading the words. At last, I can stand it no more! I go to the last page and choke on the air. How...how....?

"96%?!" I exclaim, eyes wide. I'm grinning with glee. I'm filled with a happiness like I've never felt before. All I wanted to do was laugh - and dance and sing for joy (despite that I'm not very good at either)! Our eyes meet from across the room. You smile at me and give me a thumbs up. You stand up and walk over to me as our classmates watch.

"Wow, congrats! That's amazing! 96..." You laugh and look through my paper, sliding me yours. I waste no time in turning to the last page, eager to confirm my victory. Suddenly my heart stops. My breathing stops. My mind goes numb and I struggle to read the two simple letter on the page.

"You...I....wow! 98%. I...congratulations! That's....wow." Sadness and pain overwhelmed me. The shock sent waves of numbness through my body, freezing me to the spot.

You laugh and put your arm around my shoulder. "Are you ok? I know that we fight a bit about our marks. But still, 94% is really something to be proud of!" You weren't being mean. You were actually sincere, trying to make me happy. An angel-child like you could never possibly understand how this felt. To fail. To fall so hard from such a high place. One minute, soaring above the clouds. Next minute, drowning in an ocean of dispair.

"Erm, yeah. Sure." I slowly put my hand up and the teachers nods. "Can I go to the toilets, Miss?" The teacher nods again. I hurry out of the room, flashing you a quick smile. Then, as the door closes, tears fill my eyes. They spill out and run down my cheeks as I run through the corridor and into a cubicle in the girls' toilets. I sit on the tiolet lid and pull my feet up, rocking myself forwards and backwards as the tears gracefully fall down my pale cheeks. My soft sobs echo but no one except me is there to hear them.

I failed. I failed to her. I failed to you. I failed my parents and teachers and myself. I'm a failure. Next to you, that's all I can ever be. It's here, in the girls' toilets, that I finally realised what I wanted.

I never wanted to be the best. I never wanted to make my family proud. I never wanted to make your family ashamed. I never ewanted to get 100%. I never wanted to be perfect.

Now I know what I wanted.

I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to not hate you. I wanted to be happy with myself. I wanted to never be jealous of you again.

I didn't want to be your superior. I just wanted to be your equal.

To be loved like you were; to be happy like you were....in my own way, that was all I ever wanted. And all I will never have.