This is my diary. I have some issues that I dont know how to talk about in person with people because some of them are embarrassing or to close to my weak spots that I dont talk about them to people in my life. But I need an outlet and this is that...
This is not going to be grammatically correct so I apologize in advance to the kids who are going to be English Majors.
So let's start off from the beginning. Last school year, around January, I had just gotten over a very experience with a guy. This particular guy only wanted to hangout with to make-out and he never really liked me. But back to the main story. I had finished being self- loathing and started being happy again. My birthday is January the 31st and it was my 17th and I wasnt about to be sad on my birthday. So I was good and I decided not to date anyone until college because I have more crap to worry about than boys who are very dumb.
Or so I thought. One of my classes had only 7 people. And in that class was a very goofy, very self-conscious, very cute guy in it. He has beautiful golden-brown eyes. And he is taller than me and he is super intelligent. He was everything I wanted and more. I told myself I wasnt catching feeling, when in all actuality I was. Eventually I accepted the fact that I did like him and wanted to do something about it. I thought and thought about what I should to get his attention but because of past attempts and always being played I was scared that would again.
In March I finally decided on something that could help me be pushy but not him finding out who I was. I decided on writing notes and leaving them on his car... yeah it's kinda weird but I was scared and didnt know what else to do dont judge me.
I made them all sickeningly cheesey. I made them to suit my taste and who I was.
Such as
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This was like the fourth one that I made. I called him out for gloating on one, but I dont know where the pictures are. I also got a trusted guy friend to be the middle man between us so I know if everything was going okay on his sode. Anyways I really like this guy okay. But he started talking to girl that I knew and we friends I did one more note when I figured out that they talking and then I stopped. I didnt like that I gave him away and didnt fight for him more. But then again I was happy that he was happy. And this guy hadn't had a girlfriend since middle school and he wasnt about to leave something he knew over something he didnt.
Back to the present the chick cheated on the guy and I was infuriated because why the hell would you do that to one of the nicest guys in our hell of school. Like why? But because she was his first kiss he is doing the thing I did in January. He is sticking close to the thing that have him confidence, even if he lost it.
A few weeks ago the middle man guy told me that he figured out who wrote the notes and I was triggered. The guy i like wouldnt look at me, let alone talk to me. He just got really awkward, but so did I.
I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should go for it or if I should get completely over it. I dont even know if he could ever like someone like me. I am not the coolest human or the prettiest or the most creative, but what I am is loving and no cheater. I like being the person I like and like hugs and pda sometimes. I like showing off who I like if we were together. But I dont think he would ever want to be mine. I really have no idea what to do except to accept the fact that life hates me and wants to watch me stay in a constant state of fear and confusion.
Okay that's the thing I needed to get off my chest. If anyone who reads this has suggestions please leave them because sis doesnt know what to do. I debated on writing notes again but then hed know who I was and I've also thought about answering his insta stories with TBH but he never puts them up anymore... and I doubt he would answer me. I thought about putting up my own but how in the heck would I publicly say, if he even answered, yo I got to tell some crap dm me.
I'm a mess okay I'm done ranting now I'm gonna go be a mess in school.
