I felt sad. My tears were about to paint my face wet, but I was holding it in. My hand was in his hair, lightly massaging his head as per his request. He could have stayed silent, but he chose to speak. He started reminding me how I'll be away for a month and how i will make new friends and forget him. Forget him? Seriously?. I won't and can't forget him even though amnesia engulfs me. So I felt sad. I tired not to make eye contact with him. He looked at me and I turned my head away. This happened a couple of times. I was scared of myself. I would cry the moment my eyes meet his. So I was just avoiding it. But he got it. He always got it when I was sad or upset. He just pulled my head down on to his chest and that's when my tears started flowing. He started patting my head, asking me why I was crying. How was I supposed to say the truth. Should I tell him I was sad because I will be away from him, that I'll miss him. No way. I was not saying that. Or maybe I can say half of it. So I just blurted "I will miss you and Sana"
He made me lay down comfortably and cuddled me. His grip was gentle. So gentle as if I was a piece of glass and I would break if he tightens the grip.
Did he knew that I was already broken?
Maybe
Because he knew me very well.
I was still crying and his shirt got wet cause of my tears. I apologized as soon as I noticed it. He just ignored it.
I didn't know why, but I felt like hugging him tighter, as if he can disappear at any moment or as if that's the first and last time I'll be hugging him.
I held him tighter, burying my face into his chest. His smell was comforting, his touch was pure and warm. Everything felt like home. He felt like home. He is my home. I felt safe and some kind of unknown, unnamed relief washed over me. I started feeling sleepy, so sleepy. But I could still feel him, his warmth and affection. He was trying to wake me up. But he being him chose a very different method to do it. He gently held my cheek and touched my forehead with his and whispered "Hey...wake up"
I heard it, but I just responded with "hmmm.."
I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to wake up from a dream like this. It felt too good to be real.
He didn't try waking me up again. He just hugged me and even he fell asleep.
It was like being surrounded by some warm,colourful glow. If God's blessing could be seen, I'm sure it will look like a glow.
He's exactly that.
The biggest,nicest,loveliest and sweetest blessing I have received form God.
After a while I felt him stirring. He just covered me with a blanket and then went back to hugging me.
We were like in each others arms for more than 3 hours and it was the most beautiful moment of my life.
I thought he will be there in my life forever. I trusted him more than I trusted myself.
But....
I was not worthy enough to stay in his life I guess...
I'm out of it now
I'm out of myself
I miss myself
That self that used to show up whenever I'm with him
I miss that version of me.
Will I ever be the same with someone else in future
The answer is no....a big No
Everything's done now and I don't even know what my mistake was.
His words like "I'm not as transparent as I used to be with you" stabbed me to death.
I don't feel alive
Even painting isn't helping.
That used to be my therapy for all the sorrows I ever felt.
What to do?
Where to go?
Whom to reach out?
Even at a time like this.
Only one name, one face, one smile comes to my mind.
And that's him.
Can I be pathetic than this?
The answer is again NO
MY QUESTION IS "WHY'S THE ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION IS NO?"
Maybe because I don't deserve anything in life.
PS : Don't mind if you find any grammatical mistakes. I have written this when I was too emotional 😅
