Misunderstandings

Letting Go

Su Xiaomi

"The cancer is back Su Xiaomi."

There was no hope for Su Xiaomi anymore. Years of suffering from heartache, loneliness, and feeling inadequate had only made him feel helpless. If five years ago someone would have told Xiaomi that he would be without his parents and without Yan Yan, Su Xiaomi would have simply laughed.

Back then, things had been so different. Xiaomi was loud, some would say stupid, spoiled, childish and immature. Yes, back then he had been all those things and more.

"Yan, you promise to always stay with me?"

Shutting his eyes tightly to prevent from crying Xiaomi took a deep breath trying to control his emotions.

"Yan Yan.."

No matter how much time had passed this name; that person still lingered in his heart. Back then, there had been so many promises. Promises that were empty, which meant nothing; and were now met by dead silence. How long had it been since Xiaomi last saw Yan Yan?

He reminds himself the days, the months, the years. Half a decade has gone by and Su Xiaomi had done what he thought once as impossible. He had learned to live without the person he most loved in the world.

This Su Xiaomi had grown up. Gone is that innocent some might say; Yan Yan would say, idiotic spoiled brat that once was Su Xiaomi. The type of kid that would worry too much over silly things and cause problems and live carefree as long as he was with his special one; was now gone.

Su Xiaomi's hand shook while he stood at the post office. He really wasn't sure where or who should he address this to. It had been so long since he last saw Yan Yan.

So long.. and yet, Su Xiaomi can still remember Yan Yan's voice. How deep and cold it was, his expressions which were limited to nothing and anger and yet... the sweet and kind man that would smile only for him. The man that would cherish him and take him to places Su Xiaomi could only ever go with just him. His Yan Yan.

"But not anymore." Su Xiaomi reminded himself. He doesn't want to cry; he refuses to do so when he has shed too many tears the past five years. The post office is empty, it is a work day and most people are doing what society asks of them to do in order to survive. Su Xiaomi reminds himself that he needs to hurry. He needs to pick up Yiyi's daughter Mei from preschool and doesn't want to be late. For what feels like the billionth time Su Xiaomi looks at the paper in his hands. The word Divorce still lingers. And yes, maybe here their marriage did not count but in Su Xiaomi's mind he had been married to Yan Yan. They had flown elsewhere to get married legally even when their home did not permit it and now he was sending this back almost seven years after.

Bitterly Xiaomi smiled when he thought of how little his happiness lasted. He knows he's held on to hope for too long and today, it had died. Yes, today he knows there was no more hope for him. Yan Yan will never come back, and he is now on borrowed time. Yan Yan will never be by his side again. He knows this piece of paper means nothing to Yan Yan by now, he's sure of it. Five years was enough for some people to forget and Xiaomi believed he had been forgotten long ago. Now it was time for him to let go of this one person he should have never clung on to in the first place.

"Yan Yan. I let you go." Su Xiaomi whispered softly signing the divorce papers and placing them in an envelope.

He was unsure if this address was Au Yang Jia's anymore. It didn't matter, he hoped someone would deliver the papers to Yan Yan wherever he was and Su Xiaomi was sure it would make Au Yang Jia, who had hated him in the past for being with Yan Yan, happy that he was giving in. With nothing left to do Su Xiaomi put the letter inside the shoot and sighed heading outside feeling heavy and wanting to cry.