May 20, 2014
"Why don't you just start by telling me how you feel? How do you feel, Jasper?" The patience and calmness in his voice was almost annoying, but I guess that's one of the reasons why he became a therapist.
He lays his notebook on the small table besides his chair, as if this isn't a session but just me and him, talking as if we are friends. I feel the urge to roll my eyes, but even these kind of small actions make me tired nowadays, so I just keep staring at his tie. It's a nice tie, a green one. It matches his glasses, also green and ridiculously big. His hair is red and messy. I wonder how it got that messy, it's not like he has a rough job, sitting in his chair while making notes as his patients talk. He made his hair messy on purpose. I imagine him getting out of bed this morning, standing in front of the mirror and looking at his bed-hair, thinking 'yes, this is how I want my hair to look today', and then leaving the bathroom again.
"Jasper?" says the therapist.
Yes, I call him 'the' therapist, because I refuse to call him 'my' therapist. I don't even need a therapist. I snap out of my thoughts and clear my throat.
"Ehm, yes, give me another second to think about that" I say, maybe more rudely than I meant to. The therapist nods, as he grabs his notebook again. Oh, so this is going to be an actual session? What made him take his notebook again? Just because I want some more time to think about a question? Speaking of which...
"Excuse me, what was the question again?"
"I asked you to start by telling me how you feel," the therapist answers with a friendly smile. Without losing eye contact he writes something down in his notebook. Great, now he thinks I have amnesia, too. I bet he is surprised I actually say something, I have never said a word to him, I only said my name when we first met a few weeks ago.
I try to focus on the question. How do I feel? That's a difficult question. My mind goes back to where it all started, or at least, to where I think it started, in retrospect. I never noticed anything at the time, the only thing I ever noticed is the feeling in my stomach. Now that I think about it, I feel it again. It feels as if there's a big black hole in it. My hand automatically reaches to my stomach.
"Do you ever feel like you don't feel anything at all?" I ask, as I watch the therapist immediately take notes. Not expecting an answer, I go on: "like your mind, your heart, your body, it all just shuts down? It feels as if my body is a house with no air conditioning on a hot, sweating August afternoon. There are no windows to open and I'm trapped inside. That's exactly how I feel." I no longer bother about what the therapist is going to say to that. I sigh and close my eyes, sprawling in my chair. I stray off to the first moment I felt like something wasn't fully right with me anymore, a day I spent with Lily, the sweetest girl in the world. My sweetest girl in the world.
I still can't believe she's gone.
[flashback]
June 4, 2013
"Jasper! Are you really going to do it?!" asks Lily in disbelief while I take off my shirt.
"Yes, of course, why not?".
Lily takes a deep breath and sighs, suppressing her laughter. She watches me as she holds her thin, pale hand above her eyes, shielding the bright sun. Without using my hands I take off my shoes. It hasn't rained in weeks, and the dry, hard blades of grass are stinging in my foot soles. I walk towards the lake and hear Lily giggle behind my back. When I arrive at the side of the lake I sink into a squat and bend over to dip my hands and wrists in the water. It's colder than I expected.
"And? Is it cold? Too cold?" Lily shouts from a distance. I glance backwards, over my shoulder, to see Lily sitting on the grass, cross-legged. "Nothing too cold for me," I tell her, throwing her a smile. She looks beautiful, her long dark hair accentuating her white skin.
While walking a few steps back to start my run-up, I run my wet fingers through my hair. In two big steps I reach the spot where I just rose from my squat. I see everything in slow motion from the moment I bend my knees to jump. While floating in the air, I embrace my legs with my arms and bring my chin to my chest. The warm June-air touches my body, a light gust, but clearly noticeable. A golden beam of sunlight reflects off the water, blinding me. I squint my eyes. A brief moment of free-fall. I feel it in my stomach, and I prepare myself for the sudden coldness of the water that will soon come. My back touches the surface of the water quicker than I thought and I disappear in the water. The abrupt silence frightens me. It's the kind of silence you can only hear when you are underwater. My body is cramping due to the cold water and my head is suddenly spinning. In panic I release my legs from the grasp of my arms so I can find my way up again. Once I reach the surface, I take a deep, shaking breath. I look around me, flustered, without knowing why I panicked.
For a second I forget where I am, who I am, until I hear Lily's cheerful voice. I look her way and let out a cry, relieved to see her familiar face. My head feels clear again and with new energy I swim back to the side to raise myself out of the water. I rise and shake my head, the water splashing out of my hair.
Lily no longer sits on the grass, but got up and is now slowly walking towards me. I do the same, and walk towards her. She stands in front of me and grabs my hands while shaking her head and smiling. "You are crazy," she says, laughing, leaning forward to rest her forehead on my chest. I let go of her hands and put my arms around her shoulders, her hair tickling my face when I softly place my chin on her head. She touches my back with her warm hands, which are in contrast with my skin, still cold of the water. I stare in the distance, being hyper aware of everything that touches my body, feeling every single water drop evaporate from my skin in the sun.
Lily's words echo in my head. You are crazy. Maybe she was right.
[end flashback]
