Diaries :Journey from hatred to love

Kashaf 30 June

Ab to Zaroon ke wapas ane me kuch chand din hi bache hai. Yeh waqt is qadar bhari guzra hai mujhpe iska andaza mujhe kabhi nahi tha. Main kabhi nahi sochti thi ki main kabhi kisi par itna dependent hojaungi ki uske begair har pal gin kar guzarungi. Teen mahine teen salon ke tarah lage hai mujhe. Pata nahi jab main use wapis se apne samne dekhungi to mera reaction kya hoga. Kahi meri ankhein hi na bhar jaye. Phir to wo saari zindagi meri isi baat ko le kar mujhe pareshan karega.

Magar main chahun bhi to uske samne ab apne emotions control nahi kar sakti. Main laparwah hona chahti hoon par ho nahi paati. Pata nahi yeh achi baat hai ya buri? Achi shayad isliye ki yeh humare rishte ki tazgi ko zinda rakhta hai. Aur buri isliye ki yeh mujhe uske samne ek ret ki diwar bana deta hai. Aur mujhe tutne se khauff ata hai. Magar shayad yeh khauff mujhe ab chor dena chahye. Zaroon hargiz hi us tarah ka mard nahi hai jinse main shadeed nafrat karti ayi hoon. Wo agar meri harkaton ka mazaak bhi banata hai to main janti hoon woh meri kitni izzat karta hai. Baazdafa hum logon ke bare me galat andaze lagate hai. Maine bhi lagaye the Zaroon ke liye. Magar wo apne har ek vaade pe khada utra hai. Infact promises se zada usne mujhe apne apko prove kar ke dikhaya hai.
Jis tarah se wo meri haar khwaish bina kahe samjh jata hai. Jis tarah wo meri har ek betuki adaton ko bear karta hai. Jis tarah wo  mere punishments ko bhi endure karta hai. Koi is dunia me nahi kar sakta tha.

Uski muhabbat mere liye kitni ahem hai wo main uske samne use zahir karna chahti hoon. Pata nahi main uske liye kya special karungi. Shayad mujhe Sidra se mashwara lena chahiye. Pata nahi kis tarah ki Ajeeb tareen ideas wo mujhe dene wali hai. Par jab khud ap ek unromantic insan ho, to apko ek overly romantic aur cheesy insan ko special feel karwane ke liye uske jaise insan se hi tareeke sekhne honge. Ya Allah meri madat karna!