Let's laugh uncontrollably

This is not a self-pity post about my life. It's actually a review about a movie I just saw... and perhaps a reflection on my self-pity, in another way?

Joker. 

            Yes I am.

I saw the trailer in April of this year, and the movie was just released today - October. You can say I was looking forward to the release of this movie for those 6 months in between. Why? Well... One of my all-time favorite movies is The Dark Knight because of Heath Ledger's interpretation of the 'Joker'. And then BOOM. Joaquin is cast to portray the Joker. Now, anyone who takes on after Heath's performance is going to have a lot to live up to, especially since Heath has now passed and can no longer show us his portrayal of the Joker. But once I saw Joaquin's name alone, I knew it would be great. He's a fantastic actor in my opinion, and I think it's mainly because he feels so raw, as though there's some truth behind the hurtful and difficult roles he takes. Of course, as any 'fan', I did some research about him. I was intrigued to understand more about this private 'mysterious' guy - what made him, him. I'm not going to go through his life events - let's just say he has been through his fair share of shit, as we all do. I just feel like there are actors out there who actually act for the sake of acting. Actors who take on roles only when they want to - not for the fame, not for the money - but to truly take on a role. Heath did that. Christian Bale does that. Nicole Kidman does that. Edward Norton does that. Joaquin... he fucking does and just did that.

There were so many thoughts in my head as I was watching Joker. So many raw emotions that were locked up and came to the surface. As I left the theatre alone once again in a new city, I don't know why I felt like I was him. I was the Joker. We all have our own demons. As he felt betrayed by society, by the upper elite, I too felt as though my own demons were haunting me and making me feel like that, a joke. By my demons I mean those voices in my head that tell me everyone is laughing at me, or looking at me. "It's your ego", she once told me.

Anyways, enough about how I related to his character and more about his character. I feel as though this movie relates to a lot of laypersons today, especially in today's society. There are those who are on the top of the ladder, and those who are on the bottom. Or in-between, trying to figure it out. I'm not saying those at the top don't have issues. We all have demons, remember. I'm saying that this movie, his character - it was able to capture so much of TODAY in a raw and genuine manner. The cruel reality. It was so beautifully awkward. I wanted to laugh so many times but I felt that laugh slowly turn into fear, confusion, guilt, sadness. Contraditory emotions. That's what Joaquin was able to do. He made me feel like him, he made me feel sad for him, he made me feel proud of him... I was simply moved.

I have waited, for a while now to feel something powerful. Music suddenly seems to bore me. Movies, too. But this, this is some sort of rejuvenation. We need more of this. Raw. Brilliance. Fucking real for once.

2020 Oscars, Joaquin may be coming for you. But more importantly, WORLD, Joaquin is you. That Joker is somewhere in all of us... And you know it.