International Stardom (BTS Spanking story)

Self-Discipline

Disclaimer: I talk about panic attacks and anxiety in this post.

Good morning, everyone! (Or good evening, depending on where you are).

I know you all are probably sighing or groaning, because this is not an update. I do that to myself everyday when I don't post.

When I first began senior year, my dad told me, "This is going to be your easiest year, you can finally stop worrying!" And my cousin-who's a year older than me- said, "Your last year is going to fly by."

So far, neither of those statements are correct.

I never stopped worrying.

Most students say that junior year is your worst year, I don't think it was so bad. The reason why people think your junior year is the worst is because of Standardized testing and that's the year where colleges look at regarding grades.

I thought my anxiety was behind me, I only have seven months until graduation.

But anxiety doesn't ever leave, it sleeps.

I'm the most sensitive I've ever been, if I didn't get into accepted a college I wanted to go to, I assumed it was because I'm stupid.

At the end of September, I had the worst panic attack I've ever experienced.

It was homecoming and classes were in the morning, the afternoon was free time where you had to go to classes that were playing games.

I was doing fine; I just began my new ATEEZ story and almost finished the first chapter. I was happy, because I had three updates planned to post that day.

The homecoming parade started, each sports team or club had their own float.

I soon realized I was standing alone, and it's when I became aware of it. I saw how close the teams were to each other, best friends. All the homecoming queens and kings were riding in their parents luxurious cars, both of them so attractive yet so ugly.

Before I knew it, I was crying. Not just crying, I was crying in front of everyone. Once it was over, I speed walked to the bathroom, ignoring the girls and teachers next to me who were disgusted by my tears.

It lasted for a whole hour, the walls were closing in on me: I was sweating, sobbing, and all alone.

Now, I'm not writing this to get pity or to be like, "omg I have anxiety." The reason why is because I'm still recovering from that attack. After I had it, I stopped being myself.

I didn't study, I didn't do my homework, I stopped reading, I stopped writing.

I became embarrassed with every little thing I did.

This morning I woke up after having the first good nights sleep I've had since August; I told myself that I'm going to stop being so lazy and start updating regularly again.

I'm sorry for these past two weeks with little to no uploads, I'm going to be better.

Thank you all for helping me through all of high school shit, I'm going to become a better writer.

I love you all very much 💜💜

Stay toned for more updates!

Love ya bunches 🎃😣