Take A Chance On Me | A Juan GDL Epistolary (Completed)

27

We parked the car beside the pavement and sat ourselves down the cold, stony bench facing the Sunken Garden. The leaves of the trees were rustling in the quiet. The chilly breeze was hounding.

My hands were tucked inside the pockets of my hoodie and were literally shaking the hell out. Not because of the cold. But because of the uncertainty and the fear of facing my past, which was once my reality. It left me vulnerable, aching.

"Did Javi ever told you about the shit I went through when I was with Mike?" I asked him, facing my head down, not making any contact.

"I was kind of aware of it, yeah. Pero not that much. Why?" He said.

"Alam mo bang muntik na akong itakwil ng parents ko because of him?" I looked directly at his eyes. Of course, he doesn't know. His face says it all. How concerned he was. How he wanted to know what happens next like a kid that just got hooked up in listening to a very sad and tragic storytelling.

"Mike was a bad influence. When we were together, there wasn't any single night that we weren't high, drunk, or having sex. He'd always take me to his gigs then he'll bring me back to my dorm by sunrise, just in time for my 7 am class. It was fun while it lasted. But then, other girls came along, the cheating, and so did the fights. What's funny is, despite all of that bullshit, patuloy ko pa rin siyang minahal. Stupid, huh?"

His eyebrows cringed. Confused. I sensed the many questions formulating in his head right now but he just let me continue.

"Until one night, we had this really big fight. I was so drunk that he had to send me to the ER because of alcohol intoxication. He didn't know what to do so he called Ate Pat."

"Oh no, he didn't." True enough, those were the exact words I said when Mike did that.

"Oh, yes. He did. Ate was so furious you could see the devil in her. Lalo na when the results of the doctor's request for the drug test came out positive."

His lips started to form a frown. He must be starting to realize who the real Penny is. Or, in this case, was.

Penny? The smart, intelligent Penny? The quiet and sophisticated Penny?

Was a drug addict? A drunk?

"I can't forget how mom looked liked when she found out. The devastation. The disappointment. It was painted all over her face and it haunts me up to this day."

My voice started to shake and it broke near the end. I pulled tighter on my hoodie, trying to keep it together. I don't have any plans of breaking down in front Juan.

I went in for a deep breath before starting again.

"So that's when Dad started to call my bullshit off by telling Ate he'll disown me if I don't break it up with Mike. Being the naive and proud woman that I am, naglayas ako and I stayed at Mike's studio for two weeks, barely surviving with just my savings."

"Was that the time you suddenly went missing?  Everyone kept asking me if I knew why but I didn't. Thought it wasn't that serious. Then, Javi told everyone you were in France. There was even a tweet and a selfie of you with it."

I let out a slight chuckle. Brilliant, isn't it, Juan?

"My family tried so hard to keep the info in. If the situation leaked, it will hurt the company's image badly. Javi was the only one outside who knew and Ate asked for his help to manage my social media accounts so people won't notice."

"W-what? That's insane, Penny. I-I don't know what to say." He tried to reach in for my hands which were now freely lying on my lap. I retracted, suprised by the sudden contact. It was uncomfortable. The warmth was uncomfortable.

"Oh, but it gets worse. Dad threatened to file a kidnapping case against Mike if I don't go home and that finally knocked the sense out of me. And Javi? He talked the shit out of me until I realized what an asshole Mike really was. You see, Mike was like a drug to me, keeping me high and distracted from the reality of it all. Little did I know it was slowly sucking the life out of me. Parang gayuma?"

"I'm really sorry, Penny. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I wasn't there to help you when you really needed it. Thanks for finally taking the courage to open up."

"You don't have to say sorry. That's not the point, Juan. I'm telling you all of this, showing you all of this, so you'd know who you're dealing with."

"I don't understand."

"Alam mo kung anong naramdaman ko nung nakita ko ulit siya? That night when we were at the Yard? Every fucking good thing he did flashed before my eyes like a thunderstorm. Suddenly, he's this angel. Kahit anong pilit ko, hindi ko makita lahat ng kagaguhang ginawa niya. Lahat natakpan ng natitira ko pang pagmamahal sa kaniya."

My voice started cracking one word after the other, hands intensely shaking. It was an odd mix of sadness, anger, and longing.

"I know you're making moves, Juan. Hindi naman ako manhid. The sudden kindness and concern? Sabi mo bumabawi ka lang. Oh, please."

He was speechless. But, once again, I looked at him straight in the eyes, drowning upon the waterfall of tears trickling down my face.

"Why now? Bakit ngayon pa? Can't you see how broken I am? How unstable I am? How fucking stupid I am? How everything's so fucked up!"

Silence.

"I'm really sorry, Juan. I'm just not ready yet. Fresh wounds are just starting to heal. Hindi ko pa kaya. It's all too much."

"Penny. I'm sorry if you felt as if I was forcing myself into your world so suddenly. If you need the space, I'm very much willing to give it. But, know that I'll be patiently waiting.

And if ever you need me, I'll always be here for you."

Juan is really a nice guy. You can even say he's perfect. Unfortunately, his timing is just incredibly off. I need more time.

He chuckled and added.

"I'll be hoping for a speedy recovery. For that heart of yours."