Love Vs Life

All work is copyrighted: Copyright © 2012 Rachel Wood

Prolouge of sorts..

My heart was heavy, my fists were tight and my eyes were sore as I walked towards the park, our park. 'Wait' I whispered to myself, there no longer was any ‘our’. With that thought my hands loosened and my tears fell. 8 months of fighting, fighting for a love that now seemed so distant was over and all I could do was let the pain remind me that it had all been real. I knew I had made things harder with Jake with my insecurities, I knew now that he had loved me, with all his heart but that still hadn’t been enough for me, I just couldn’t see what was happening until it seemed almost too late.

The arguments had got more frequent, each one becoming more and more painful as mine and Jake’s words got more out of control. The constant ache in my chest had become too much too bare and I had left, left without a goodbye, left without a final look back. Now there was still an ache in my chest, an ache of regret. I knew I loved Jake more than anything in the world and there was never going to be anyone who would make my heart feel that way again.

I pulled my coat in tighter as the wind around me began to race and the leaves scattered in the park began to dance about my feet. The clouds had thickened and the sky looked gloomy, how appropriate to how I was feeling I thought.  I quickened my steps and began to brush away any traces of tears from my face, the last thing I needed was for people to know I had been crying, that just wasn’t my style, Jake had been the only person since the days of teenage hormonal outbursts to see my tears and make them disappear as quickly as they had arrived.

Central park was bustling as the evening was drawing in; people were cutting through after long days at work their phones tight to their ear. People jogged away all the stress of their day and friends laughed and chatted along the paths and lovers strolled so casually, just happy to be in one another’s company. I had always loved walking through the park in the evenings, watching the world as it hurried by and letting my imagination escape me. When I first moved to New York I had found Central Park comforting to me, I didn’t feel so alone here, the constant noise and flow of people was strangely calming.

 My enjoyment of the park had since disappeared in the last few weeks and now all I saw were memories, memories that made my stomach lurch for I knew I’d never get to make anymore here, at least not with anyone who mattered, not with Jake.

He’d left me, with nothing but tears and a broken heart and a lifetime full of What if’s but I didn’t blame him, how could I blame him? Life had dealt us a rubbish card but Jake had tried to make sure I never folded.

Finally I reached my destination as I made my way out of Central Park and across the busy road.  There it stood, the church with its beautiful architecture looming over me, seeming bigger now than it ever had before. My mind began to race and my heart began to beat so loudly in my ears that it drowned out the sound of a New York street. I tried to control my breathing as my feet began to pace outside the grand wooden doors to the church, the doors to the nightmare I had been, trying to escape from, trying to wake up from. “I have to do it” I repeated to myself sternly.

I stopped, my body just stopped, my breathing slowed and my heartbeat began to soften. The small part of my rational self that was left took over “Is this really the right thing to do? Is it fair to do this?” I thought about my choice for what seemed like a lifetime and then his face flashed in my mind, his handsome face and his beautiful smile. Suddenly all of my doubts vanished and my heart led my feet forward, I needed to do this.  I wrapped my hand around the ice cold door handle and with a final sigh pushed the doors to the church open, with a loud creak I was in.

I took small steps forward, the sounds of my footsteps filling the air around me. Then there they were, the looks, the faces of all those people, glaring back at me. Like a Mexican wave, heads had turned backwards, the gasps echoing around the great church. The whispers hit me, like a wall of noise, I stumbled back a step. My eyes glanced over all the faces staring back at me, I tried to take in all of their faces, assess their reactions all the while justifying my decision to enter the church, to intrude on this moment.

Then my eyes focused to the front, and there was Jake, at the altar. I couldn’t catch my breath; I hadn’t prepared myself for seeing him. I felt my body weaken and all my emotions charged to the surface. I reached for the wall as I tried to steady myself in the sudden whirlwind I  found myself in.

I looked to the floor as time seemed to slow; I clamped my eyes down as I felt the tears rise in my eyes. As I looked up,  the sting of the tears hit my cold face, I couldn’t push them back any longer. I forced herself to look back at the altar, my heart sunk as I realised I should have been there with Jake, this shouldn’t be the nightmare that it had become; this should have been my dream come true.