A Letter to the First Boy I've Ever Loved

2 - When you first made me laugh.

Do you remember that night, when he reintroduced us? Yeah, I do but I bet you don't. You knew I didn't want to because I did not know you well though, didn't you? He must have told you because we joked about it that night. I didn't care about you at that moment either. I bet you didn't care about me too. I was forced to talk to you and surprisingly, it was not at all a burden too. You made me laugh. Not a shocker though, you make everyone laugh and you know you do.

It was towards the end of January when Patrick and I grew close. We had a weird friendship, him and me. I never saw him at the soiree but he saw me. He was the one, the boy who had asked me to at least try to talk to you through a conference call. It was me, you and him. I was hesitant to risk it at first - thinking you and I were different, thinking I would not belong, thinking I would be embarrassed - but was even more hesitant to end it.

I was pretentious that night, too. Holding back who I was within, trying to learn and adapt to you and him. I had fun, you know. I learned you were nice and funny and not as cocky as I thought. I learned you and I were not too different. I learned that I wouldn't not belong. I belonged, and it felt nice.

He laughed that night, at and with you. I laughed with him and you and at him and at you, too. You laughed with us. You made the jokes and the punchlines. You teased us. You were the life of the call. You were the funny one. You've always been and I guess, will always be.

It ended with a laugh to myself and a smile on my face before I went to bed, I didn't look forward to it but I didn't dread it, either. I didn't long to speak to you again. But I didn't mind if I would have to.

Nobody would have thought that who you are wouldn't not matter to me in time. Nobody would have guessed that you wouldn't not be missed by me in time. But I wish I had. And I hate that I didn't.