Present Tense

one; Dae Han

      Silence lingered in the air. It was hesitant about leaving, after Jarred mentioned putting Keline up for adoption. He knew that I would have hung up if it were someone else. Because Keline was equivalent to my life. No, Keline was my life. He knew that.

      Jarred meant well, he only wanted me to do what he felt was right for a nineteen-year-old. But it wasn't right. I wanted to keep Keline, she was mine. And my age will never be a factor nor an excuse.

      "Dae, at the very least, tell her about...it" Jarred trailed off and let out a sigh.

      "Keline is not an 'it'." The words came out through my gritted teeth, though I doubt Jarred heard it.

       My phone, which was on speaker, was on the table next to the couch I was lying on. It was close enough for me to hear Jarred, considering his loud voice. I didn't want to wake up Kleine. Neither did I want to leave my room.

     "Tessa deserves to know. She deserves to know where her daughter is. Whether her child is alive or not."  I flinched at his last statement, I couldn't bear to think of it. Jarred carried on, his voice becoming more and more serious.

      "If you love that th- I mean Keline so much that your willing to give up you're whole life along with the relationships with others that you love, why don't you think she doesn't deserve a mother?"

      I stared at the dark ceiling for as long as possible until I blinked. I let it stay closed. A low chuckle escaped my lips.

      "Tessa? Motherly? Yeah right..."

      I've known Tessa for years and not once have I seen her adore a child. She never once brought up the topic of having children. It never deeply affected me until it really happened.

      When Tessa found out she was pregnant, it was like her worst fear had come true. 'Abort it' were the first words that came out of my mouth. I thought Tessa would agree with me. I was wrong. Tessa lashed out at me. She told me that I was disgusting for thinking in that manner.'It' had a life she was willing to keep. I was beyond shock. I was confused, disturbed because the Tessa I knew no longer existed.

      But, once again, I was wrong. After advice from many to abort the child. After weeks and months of care for the child. After all the time I'd spent by her side day and night, providing to her needs. She had a change in mind. She wanted to abort, what she had initially called 'the baby', 'it'.  But it was too late. The foetus was too big.

      Tessa delivered the child without my knowledge. The next day the hospital called explaining to me that I was a father. I listened in horror. I thought that Tessa would've given birth and send the child up for adoption. Instead, she had given up the child to me. Was I supposed to take care of it? Or was I too give it up for adoption? I was clearly going for with latter. I took a glance at the baby. But i found it impossible to look away. 

      'It' was wrapped in layers of pink blanket. 'It' was a her. She was sleeping, curled up and nestled against the hard hospital pillow. She must've been really tired. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming rush of love and responsibility. I looked at this baby in a whole new perspective. In the eyes of a father. I instantly regretted every thought I ever had of her, because i knew every thought i had was unpleasant. A smile tugged at my lips, I am a father now.

      I placed my fingertips on her pink cheeks lightly. Her small, thin lips made a 'o' shape as she yawned. She was the size of half my upper arm. I cradled her in my arms, she was the only one that mattered. At that moment and for all the days to come.

      "Well Tessa doesn't have to be the mother. Just, just call her over, talk to her about everything, okay?"Jarred said in one breath, his voice came off as worried.

      Sometimes i don't even know if i should feel grateful for a friend like Jarred or pissed off by him. But in the end he was the only one who stayed by me, despite my decision. I guess he felt he was partly to be blamed because he wasn't able to talk me out of it.

      "Just...try to think and act wisely," Jarred reminded me. If I listened close enough I would be able to hear his heart banging against his rib cage.

      I just couldn't understand why he was so stressed over my problems. I was the one deprived off a normal lifestyle not him. Did he want me to tell Tessa so she would persuade me to put Keline up for adoption? I gritted my teeth at that thought. Jarred means well, Jarred means well. I kept repeating in my head.

      "No shit, Sherlock," I mumbled loud enough for Jarred to hear.

      "Yeah, whatever piss off. I don't fucking care." The seriousness in his voice left. Jarred hated being the serious one. He always said I was the more serious one while he was the more carefree one.

      The silence once again filled the room. The beeping of the hung up phone was the only thing that kept me from breaking down. I steadied my breathing and reached for the phone on the table. I scrolled through my contact list and I stopped the very second I saw her name. I clicked on her name our most recent texts, a year ago, came up.

      'Tessa, why are you doing this to me?' was my last text to her.

      And she replied with nothing but a 'seen'.

      My finger pressed onto the call button, and it started to ring.

      "Han, how are you?" Tessa's voice was clear and composed, everything she wasn't, from the last memory I had of her. 'Han'. I missed the way she called me.

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