Seth Unseen

Part 9: The Sound of Breaking Hearts

There's a knot in my stomach the size of a grapefruit. It's been like this through the weekend ever since I found that note in my locker. It's all I've been able to think about no matter how hard I try to force it out. Saturday, Ken was busy with his family so we didn't talk and on Sunday I made up an excuse that I had homework that I needed to complete. I hated lying to him, but I needed time to sit with this news before speaking to him again.

Someone found out about us, and I don't know how to break it to Ken. I don't even know how I feel about it. I only have an overwhelming sense of dread that keeps building and building like a snowball rolling down a snow-covered mountain. There's times where I feel like I can't breathe and my chest tightens. I replay all the times we've spent together and how they could have caught us: there was the first time in the school bathroom,  the time we met up at the baseball field, and then the time at the movie theater, but we were cautious—or I thought we were. Someone must have caught us, and it makes it even worse that I don't know who they are.

On Monday, the walk to school feels especially short. I think it's because now more than ever I wish for time to slow down so that I can find the correct answer, but there never seems to be enough hours in the day.

At lunch with Ken, I'm less talkative and the quiet becomes less comfortable than it normally is. I can't even eat my sandwich because my stomach feels too torn up.

"How was your weekend?" Ken asks, dipping his french fry in ketchup, clearly carefree.

"It was good," I reply.

"Really? The float committee went well?"

"It did, actually. They went for my idea." I make an attempt to smile, but I can't do it fully.

"That's good. I knew you could do it." He smiles at me and it breaks my heart.

Ken oversaw the design that I made for it and gave me encouraged me the whole time. I'm a lot more appreciative, but I can't muster the energy to fully convey it.

"Yeah, thanks for the idea."

"It was all you. I'm proud of you."

It's hard to look at Ken's handsome and smiling face, thinking of how it's going to completely reverse once he finds out. In this whole situation, my thoughts keep going back to how this will affect him. For some reason, I feel responsible for this and I don't want to be responsible for ruining his life. He has baseball and he stays under the radar like I do. No one deserves this and the unfairness of it all nearly immobilizes me.

I walk home after school, consciously walking slower so I can spend more time with my thoughts. Ken offered to take me home, but holding onto this secret around him makes me feels guilty.  It's a lie of omission and I can't bear doing that to him anymore.

Inside my room, I pace my floor, biting my nails and sweating like I'm on trial. That knot has only grown bigger and I have to do something untie it. Things were so simple not long ago, when I was worried about him thinking my room was childish and using a first-person shooter to bridge the divide between us. Things have become complicated so fast.

After dinner, I come to a decision. I'm not happy with it, but I know it must be done and I sign in online to instant message him:

RedWonder: Hey, Ken.

Hidalgo8239: Hey Seth. Are u ok?

RedWonder: Yeah, I am.

Hidalgo8239: You just seemed different at lunch. are u sure?

RedWonder: Yeah, I've just been preoccupied.

Hidalgo8239: K just making sure

RedWonder: I actually wanted to tell you something. I really like you, but this is going a

little fast for me. I need some time.

Hidalgo8239: We can slow down if u want

RedWonder: I just need to be by myself. It's too much for me right now.

Hidalgo8239: Did I do something wrong? Are you mad about this weekend?

RedWonder: No, it's not you. It's just what I'm feeling right now.

Hidalgo8239: Im just confused. Things were going really well. Can we talk about this

first?

RedWonder: I'm sorry Ken. This is over.

I log out immediately after so that I don't see his response. My hands were shaking the whole time as I typed and I've never felt this bad. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Tears stream down my face and I can't stop them from coming. I go to my bed and silence my sobs in my pillow. Ken didn't deserve that. He's been nothing if not kind, but if I don't end this now, it'll just cause too much damage later on. At least if we separate we can deny any allegations thrown our way and I want to protect him even if that means I have to break his heart and mine in the process.

I hate this and I want to become invisible again.