Seth Unseen

Part 10: Spirit Fox

Two weeks have passed and the pain becomes bearable with time. It was daunting at first, but after I tell Ken that it's over I feel a form of relief. I hated doing it, but I knew it was the best choice considering my options. It speaks to my ability to suffocate my emotions, to become hollow so that I can make it through this cruel world. Ken continues to stare at me in class and at lunch, like he used to do, and I completely ignore him. I pretend like I don't notice him anymore and he keeps his distance. I know this is difficult for him, but I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for him and that helps me sleep at night.

When I step out of the classroom of the last float committee meeting, there he is, handsome and stoic as ever, leaning against the lockers like he was some greaser in a movie.

"What are you doing?" I say, looking over my shoulders. The blackmailer could be any one of the group members from the meeting. I don't trust anybody.

"We need to talk," he says pleadingly.

I start walking down the hallway and Ken follows behind me.

"But I didn't get to say what I needed to say."

I keep walking, ignoring him and he grabs me by the shoulders and pins me to the locker—not hard, but hard enough to grab my attention. He brings his face close to mine, as if he wants me to see the pain in his eyes. His quivering lips tell me that he still wants to kiss me and I want to do the same, but I fight my instincts.

"I don't know what happened between us, but I like you, Seth. Was it because I didn't tell you how much I care about you? Because I do. I really, really like you."

"It's not that, just leave it alone," I command, but it's hard to sound tough.

"Just tell me what I can do. I can fix it."

"It's beyond fixing." I wriggle out of his grip and walk away again.

"It can't end this way."

"Just leave it alone. It's the only way."

"'The only way'. What does that mean?"

I stop and turn around and say, "Because someone found out about us. We have to end it." I walk faster down the hallway and I don't hear footsteps behind me at first, and then they come fast as he races towards me.

"I don't care who knows," he says, walking beside me. "Let the whole school find out."

"You don't mean that." I shake my head.

"Yes, I do. That's how much you mean to me."

"I'm not doing this to you. Just stay away from me. Focus on baseball. Forget about me."

I leave him and the school and walk home. I put headphones and listen to my iPod shuffle, attempting to drown out my own feelings, but that only amplifies my feelings. Linkin Park has the tendency to do that. I go home and watch anime to take me away from my own world. That doesn't work either, but it's all I can think of to do.

More weeks pass and it's the loneliest and coldest I've ever felt and it's not because of this particularly cold New England Winter. I'm normally happy keeping to myself, but in everything I do, there's this constant feeling that I'm missing out on something—someone. Instead of playing video games and conversing with online friends about comic books, I could be doing this with Ken. I can only push him so far out of my mind before he comes running back.

A week before Winter Break, the school holds the parade on Main Street. Everyone involved in the float has to ride in it—something I didn't know about until after I signed up for this. They were also permitted to bring a guest with them, myself; Laith, and Sally—being the most anti-social—have opted out of this, while Brynn brings her best friend, a short girl with straight brown hair, and Katelyn brings her boyfriend, a tall, skinny guy that looks like his father was a pair of khakis and mother was Stanford University. A real boring type.

The float committees of the various schools stand outside by their floats, talking to one another and offering congratulations to the other schools' work. But there's a clear insincerity with their words, like beneath their platitudes they all felt like there's was the best.

Our float turned out exactly how I imagined it, and it actually was the best. Who says I don't have school spirit? The giant fox face stares forward and its colorfulness makes it stand out among the other more generic floats, and I feel proud that this all came from my mind.

The crowd has already gathered, that's the whole thing about small towns. When there's an event, they feel mandated to go. There's nothing else to do, so they submerge themselves in the community.

I look over the people in the crowd halfheartedly and my eye is drawn to Ken in his classic Vikings jersey. My heart skips a beat. He's looking directly at me and I want to be mad, but I can't. I miss him and he's just too good-looking. He's like a dream.

I walk over to him, not knowing what I'm going to say until I'm right in front of him. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I'm here for you," Ken says calmly. "The float looks great."

"You shouldn't be here."

"I'm not giving up on us."

"This could ruin you." I look around nervously.

"I don't care," he says, almost yelling. "People don't pay attention to me anyway. The only person I care about is you."

I envy the way he can make the most arduous circumstances sound simple. Maybe that's as easy as it was; I'm hurting myself by staying away from him, hiding away my true feelings because I keep thinking of the fallout. Would I be more miserable burying my heart rather than revealing it?

I sigh deeply and say, "Do you want to come with me on the float?"

"What?"

"We're allowed to bring a guest with us on the float and I wanted to invite you on it. You're the reason why it's here in the first place."

"Uh ... sure," he says, and we walk back to the float. "What made you change your mind?"

"I really, really like you too."

I tell Brynn that Ken will be coming with me and she accepts it. In mere minutes, we're atop of the float waving at the adoring crowd. I look at Ken who has a blank stare until he sees me and reconnects with reality and smiles at the public. Our non-waving hands graze each other, and then he grabs ahold of mine. I look up at him again and realize in that moment just how much I love him. He leans down and we kiss. I close my eyes, not caring that the entire town can see us. I just don't care anymore. Nothing matters outside of this—outside of how we feel.

His kiss tastes even sweeter than it had before; it's like the built-up passion has added to the meaningfulness of this moment and I have no doubt in my mind that this is the greatest moment of my life.

I'm standing on top of this float with the boy I love and our entire town watching, and I can't help but relish in the irony. I guess I'm not so invisible anymore.