Falling asleep, Gabriel always saw her.
Marinette stood here with her back to him. The wide fields of a white straw hat swayed in the gentle wind. The weather was wonderful: one of those evenings when your only wish is to walk down the street and watch the lazy sea waves washing the rocky shore. Gabriel was holding an old camera. He was supposed to take pictures while Marinette was diligently posing to him, but instead of that he got frozen in place. He was watching how raven hair was fluttering lightly: she stopped wearing tails long time ago. Marinette looked very fragile against the sea background that was slowly devouring the sun.
Gabriel wanted to protect her at any cost. But his words got stucked in the throat, and his legs got roots among smooth stones.
- What happened honey? - Marinette asked sweetly as she turned to him. She was smiling, but in her eyes the abyss was blazing. When the monstrous wave suddenly raised and devoured her, Gabriel startled and woke up. Stood up, staggering. And slowly went to the window. The street was completely dark, and he saw the reflection of his exhausted face. Lately he had these terribly realistic dreams way too often. He touched the cold surface of glass. With the free hand Gabriel rubbed his cheek, hopelessly trying to concentrate and bring all thoughts together. His head was buzzing as if it had an engine in three hundred horses inside. He felt this way every time after waking up. Felt, how slowly he is losing his mind.
***
Marinette gave him a light kiss on the forehead, and he hugged her, pulling her closer. She was so warm that it made him feel alive. So familiar and dear that he wanted to howl from the feeling of loneliness.
Every her touch seemed real for Gabriel. Marinette was stroking his shoulders carefully, like it's not her who was just an illusionary fantasy.
- Don't go away, - he asked, snuggling to her from feeling powerless, trying to find his salvation in the fragile body. Marinette was silent. And Gabriel knew perfectly what will happen next. But he didn't want to believe. He had a stupid hope that after another nightmare, he will wake up next to her. But in the mornings his own bed burned him with the iceberg's coldness, and like thousands of needles were piercing his skin. He couldn't go away, couldn't leave this place. His life was filled with ice, darkness behind the window and deadly realistic dreams. He hasn't spoken to people for a few months already. Through these constant nightmares he started to forget who he was before.
His memories were mixing into a medley of visions. The time was flowing painfully slow to him, but at the same time it was too fast. It seemed like Marinette was here just a few hours ago, that she was sitting here holding his palm in her small hands. Gabriel hasn't noticed how he became a prisoner of his own fear of reality. He was scared to once finally wake up. Wake up and remember it all.
***
- Let me go, - Marinette asked silently, looking him in the eyes. His heart contracted and lost it's rhythm like if the wind blow away the paper with notes. Gabriel couldn't say any word. They were sitting on a white wooden swing. There were only endless fields, and everything seemed blinding in the bright light of the sun. The air smelled like a storm, but the sky was clear, the sky was into Marinette's eyes, and only there it looked real. Gabriel was squeezing her hand, blindly believing that this way he could stay here forever. He was scared of returning back to the dank grey room, was scared of feeling again the sharp needles under his skin. Was scared to stay in a solid, hopeless loneliness.
- But back then you wasn't scared, - slowly said Marinette like if she could read his mind, and her calm voice seemed a thunderstorm to him, - wasn't scared when...
He sharply opened his eyes and saw a black abyss of the ceiling above him. He felt like a giant transparent wall crushed him, and he couldn't take any breath. Gabriel twitched, grabbing the sheet with his cold fingers, and got into silent agony; he felt like someone was looking at him in the darkness, felt someone's unfamiliar breath. He was hearing the smallest sounds: crazy heart beating, the waves of blood in the ears, the creaking of the bed, the rustling of sheets and the footsteps of someone. He wanted to scream, but he couldn't open his jaw, which seemed to cramp. But he felt it. Felt someone's breath that was sucking his soul out of him. He cried out hoarsely and opened his eyes again. The room was light. He stopped looking at the clock long time ago. But it seemed like the afternoon.
***
-
- What are you doing here usually? - asked Marinette. She was standing beside him in his room, and Gabriel knew perfectly that this was just a dream. But everything inside him clenched when he was looking into her young sad face that only expressed compassion, and that he always was trying to find love in. Marinette was so close, he felt mercilessly attracted to her, but Gabriel was scared to touch her. Was scared that she will disappear, that his hand won't find any obstacle, that he will stay alone again. He was standing here, and the inner fight was tearing his soul into pieces.
- Look out the window, - he answered, touching the cold glass.
- Gabriel... - she said, and in her eyes the tears flashed, reflecting the light of lanterns. - There are no windows here.
***
- Don't go away, - he almost begged her, snuggling to her tightly. They were laying on the large bed - too large for them both. He was feeling this warmth like if it was the last time, like if Marinette will never come to him again. Gabriel was scared to stay alone. Always was, despite his willing solitude that he vaguely remembered. Sometimes in his dreams he was wandering around his big empty house, and his footsteps were echoing in his ears like a terrifying rumble, as if someone was howling in the very top floor. And it only took a few moments to recognise his own voice in this broken howl.
Fragile body in his hands seemed madly familiar. This was the only thing Gabriel remembered perfectly. Marinette was the sunlight that didn't let him fall into the darkness completely. He remembered all that time they've spent together. That time became the happiest in the last years of his life. He has never thought he will be able to love so strongly again.
- I can't stay, - she said, pulling away and looking him in the eyes again. So piercingly that Gabriel understood: this is goodbye.
- Why?.. - he exhaled, not being able to choose needed words anymore.
- You've killed me, - said Marinette almost inaudibly.
***
He woke up in the room with soft white walls. There were no windows. From behind the closed door the quiet voices of the doctors were heard. Narrow bed creaked when he turned around and sat. His head was empty and silent. But Gabriel remembered.
Now he remembered everything.
