It was a cold fall night in the hills of Morgantown West Virginia. I was walking alone back to my apartment when if felt of cold chill almost like someone was breathing down my neck. For a second I thought the breeze called my name. I frantically looked around but didn't see anything or anyone. I shook it off because why the fuck would there be someone calling my name at 3 am. I just want to get home it was a long ass day of helping patients. Two of my favorite long-term patients died today. Overall it was a shitty day.
I round the corner and walk into the light, I'm so close to my apartment only one block left but it's the worst hill in my area. Once again, I feel the cold chill and hear my name; this time it's not just me hearing it! I scream, "Who the fuck is there! I am not in the mood for these stupid ass games you're playing! I have a knife and I'm not afraid to use it! Try me bitch I'm from California!"
I scream but nothing came out of the dark edges of the street. I look around worried my light threats wouldn't do anything. Instead of the cold chill I get a terrible feeling deep in the low part of my stomach. It felt similar to the feeling you get when you know you've fucked up! That feeling when you think you gave the wrong medicine to a patient. I felt like it was the end in that very moment.
I hear a whisper in my left ear and swing around yet still come up empty. I think I really am losing it at this point. Am I better off to go home and sleep this rough day off or go back to the hospital and check myself into the psych ward? I don't know what else to do but run! I book it up my hill running as fast as I could slamming my front door behind me. I know I'm safe in my own home how would anyone possibly be able to get into my double locked door. Sure, I live on the first floor and it's possible, but I highly doubt it.
I throw all my shit on the chair as soon as you walk into my living room. I stand there for a second thinking of what I want to do next. I decide the best thing right now is to get in a hot bath and wash all my sorrows away. I grab my towel out of the hall closet and I enter my bathroom. I turn on the hot water as hot as I could stand it. I strip myself of my clothes and turn on some smooth music. I don't want to do or think of anything. I've had enough today and I just want to relax. I slide into my scolding hot bath and sit there for a minute taking in the warm muscle relieving water. I know I told myself I wouldn't think of the events that went down today but I can't help it.
I see my favorite patient, Emma, laying in her bed struggling to breath. I know I did it to myself going in such a hard field they always warned me, 'Malery you know that's a rough specialty' 'Do you think you can handle all of that pain and suffering?' And I told them "Yeah sure I think I'll be a great oncology nurse I think I can handle all the pain and dying." But for some reason seeing Sweet Baby Emma laying so sickly in her bed was the worst feeling I have ever felt. She was only 7 she didn't deserve of dying this horrible way! She didn't deserve to die at all! I can't get the sound of ringing out of my head when she flat lined. After she passed away, I was working with a few more patients hoping that would take my mind off of the horrible tragedy that happened early this evening. Unfortunately, it was short lived. Scott, who had only just started his treatment was found in the bathroom unconscious and not breathing. We did CPR for what felt like two hours, but he wasn't coming back I just knew it.
I sat in the somewhat cooled down bathtub letting the events take over me. I felt a tear slip from my eye, caress my cheek, and I hear it drop into the bath water becoming one with the bath. I never let these things get to me! I'm usually as strong as a metal beam but tonight I felt more like a ball of slime slipping through my fingertips.
